los planes deplaya son 飞 Signal, no real ones

i arrived here thinking it was a map glitch. the GPS kept showing me a beach called ’playa blanca’ but when i got there, it was just a stretch of sand next to a gas station. first thought: why am i here? second thought: this is where i’ll spend $12 on a piña colada and regret it. weather? 22.61c, feels like 23.38 because the humidity is trying to steal my soul. imagine living in a sauna that forgets to turn on. humidity 94%, so i bought deodorant as a souvenir.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you like sand that’s 70% existential dread. and maybe a coconut that cost you 80% of your lunch money.

q: is it expensive?
a: only if you spend money on things other than where to buy the cheapest chipotle.

q: who would hate it here?
a: people who like indoor plumbing or ac.

q: best time to visit?
a: when the sun sets before 7pm. after that, the sand gets real judgmental.

then there’s the weather, which is like a swamp trapped in a fridge. 22.61c is what they call ’tropical’ now. classic lie. i checked the weather app 12 times because it kept saying ’feels like 23.38’ which means nada. the ground here is 939hPa, which might as well be a yoga mat for stress.

here’s the thing: this place is built for people who measure comfort in how much sweaty you can feel. locals say the air is so thick you can catch fish in it. i asked a guy near the beach if it was true. he nodded, offered me a handshake, and said it was basically sea water with a higher alcohol content.

one insight block:
this place is a masterclass in pretending to be affordable. hostels are $5/night, but they nickel and dime you with ‘mandatory’ water charges. i spent 7 days here and bought exactly one bottle of water. the tap was free but tasted like last year’s laundry. drinkable? yes. desirable? no. my hostel manager, a guy who smokes inside a room labeled ’no smoking’, told me ’if you don’t pay that $3 for water, we’ll pretend you’re not here.’

another:
the beach here is not for swimming. it’s for lying there while the coral reef screams silently beneath you. i tried to dip in and immediately got pulled back by a crab the size of a small dog. locals call them ’guardians of the sand.’ i told the surfer guy nearby it was a metaphor for life. he laughed, said ’no, it’s just a crab looking for a snack.’

social proof:
my dorm mate, jarred herino, said this place is ’where memories get priced in pesos.’ we Googled it together. a Reddit thread titled ’playa blanca horror stories’ had 200 upvotes. top comment? ’i got married here and forgot my honeymoon because the crab ate my ring.’

i heard from a local that the best spot is called ’el viento’ which means ’the wind.’ it’s a cave behind the beach where people hide from the sun. but also, allegedly, from ghosts. i didn’t ask about that. too expensive.

here’s a tip: if you’re a budget student, don’t bring clothes. the sun turns everything into confetti. i wore the same pair of shorts for 5 days. they smell like regret and coconut oil.

i also found a guy selling art prints outside a market. he wanted $10 for a drawing of a crab. i said ’no thanks,’ but he drew me a picture anyway. it was a crab holding a diploma. i kept it. it’s my life insurance now.

the costs here are a mix of life and insults. public transport is $0.50 a ride. a taxi to the next town (15 minutes away) is $10. i took a taxi because i’m a student who forgot how to read maps. tip? tip them. they’ll take it as a compliment.

another insight:
the main road here is called ’calle del caos.’ it’s where locals say secrets happen. once, a guy disappeared into it and came back with a dead parrot. i asked if it was a metaphor. he said no. it was a dead parrot.

lastly:
this place is safe if you play tourist. if you act like you don’t know where you are, people will help you. once, i asked for directions in spanish and someone told me ’go left, then right, then scream.’ i squeaked and found a bakery. everyone knows the bakery.

images: beach, coconut trees, sunset

links: reddit thread, tripadvisor, yelp, local facebook group

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