cebu felt like a photo shoot gone wrong | freelance photographer’s sleep deprived rant

woke up at 4 am in cebu because my camera battery died. 28.8 degrees felt like drinking lukewarm coffee. the sun was out, my energy was out. i started shooting at a market stall that sold durian pastries. a vendor shouted at me in visayan. i didn’t understand but got a free sample. the pastries tasted like regret. rain started later. my lens fogged up while shooting a nearby beach. 124.6419 longitude doesn’t feel special unless you’re sweating through a hoodie.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you like spontaneous sunburns and bad sunscreen. cebu has places that’ll make you hate the word ‘vibrant’.

q: is it expensive?
a: food is cheap. cabs are expensive. i paid 500php for a 10-minute ride because the meter was broken.

q: who would hate it here?
a: people who hate humidity. also, anyone who thinks wikipedia maps are accurate. the ‘city center’ is a guess.

q: best time to visit?
a: anytime before 11 am or after 5 pm. the middle hours are a sauna.


• last week, i saw a street artist painting a mural of a giant crab. it was 4pm. the light was perfect. the crab looked like it was judging me.
• cebu’s traffic is a meme. i got lost for three hours because a local told me to ask a dog. the dog led me to a bar.

last month, i read on reddit someone said cebu’s ocean views are ‘overrated.’ i checked yelp. the same person rated a seafood restaurant 1 star because the crab tasted like sand. take that with a grain of salt.

i heard a local warned me about the ‘flying squirrels.’ not sure if real or a tourist story. i saw a squirrel in a mall elevator. it stole a granola bar.

i’m staying at a hostel with a broken ac. at night, the temp drops to 26.8 but feels like 30.8. the difference is like the gap between dreams and reality.

photos:

linkedin profile of cebu locals says ‘avoid the jeepneys at 8 am.’ it’s scheduled chaos. my bike got stolen because i parked it on a sidewalk. the thief probably used it to deliver sugarcane juice.

i’ve heard cebu’s vibe is ‘chaotic but authentic.’ that’s true. but also, the chaos is because no one speaks english. i asked for directions in tagalog and got a chant: ‘banana! banana!’

someone on tripadvisor said cebu is ‘for people who don’t mind awkward small talk.’ i found that accurate. at a coffee shop, a vendor asked about my life story before selling me a latte. i said i was a photographer. he asked where i lived. i said cebu. he said, ‘cool. i live here too. my name is renato.’ we shared a can of mango juice.

writers block? i took a photo of a sign that said ‘open 24 hours.’ it’s a pharmacy. 24 hours of aspirin and maybe existential dread.

i heard cebu’s aiatnos (local snack) are risky. a blog post warned me about food poisoning. i tried one. it tasted like marmalade. maybe my taste buds are broken.

safe? yes, but only if you avoid the piragua drinks. someone told me the ice was probably recycled. i didn’t mind. it tasted like a sigh of relief.


نگهبان ترین-less
- wear a hat. even indoors.
- bring a hotpot for your phone. it’ll die from the heat.
- ask questions. locals will tell you if you sound lost enough.

another red flag: cevu city has a red light district. i didn’t go in. but i did see a guy selling glow sticks outside. they were priced like they were from a horror movie.


cheap but not excited
- local markets > touristed shops
- street food > fancy restaurants
- ignore the ‘best views’ on google maps


repeated insight: heat is a liar. it tells you it’s 28.8 but it’s actually 32 in your bones.

during golden hour, the water at mactan lake looked like a spilled iced coffee. that’s the vibe. aesthetic? maybe. practical? no.


can’t go wrong with: durian everything. cheap. divisive. perfect for a photo where you look confused.

someone said cebu’s weather is ‘like a mood swing.’ today, it rained. tomorrow, it’ll be 31.46. you adapt or get cooked.


if you’re a freelance photographer here, you’ll edit 80% of your photos for a 20% rate. be ready to laugh about it later.


link to cebu weather app: weather.com
link to local guide: reddit/philippines
link to photo gallery: flickr.com/cebu-mistakes
link to maps: google.com/maps?q=cebu
link to expat forum: expatscentral.com

i’m leaving at midnight. the taxi driver kept telling jokes about my bad english. i think he liked me.

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