how the hell did marseille even exist? a digital nomad’s rant from a damp flat

waking up to the sound of waves crashin
gulf-no, not gulf, marseille, between the trams that never stopped honking and my laptop fan whirring like it’s in a tornado. the weather’s worse. just checked-7°C, feels like 2°C because of the humidity. who designed this climate? a sadistic robot with a vendetta against people. tried to start a coffee. machine gave up and spat out a half-burnt cup. humans in marseille, unlike me, eat this stuff for breakfast. i saw a barista at le café éclair sipping it like it’s chai. \\
then again, maybe that’s why externes like me end up here. "le brin, le stoï, the old port-what’s it all about, danny?" locals just glare. 'communauté mondiale touristique, babe,' i think. not community, the other word. international tourist circus. heard something a tourist warned me: 'don’t trust anyone who says ‘the view from la moukouce is worth the climb’. he’s right. looks like trash. but try telling that to the guys at the summit bar. they’re trying hard. \\
i’m here because of the cats, tbh. at least they don’t judge my freelance life. spent 3 hours last night chasing a black kitty through the rue saint-félix. ended up at a pizza place called pizza µ. same guy slapping cards on a wall. smells like garlic and regret. the menu’s in french. i ordered the quattro stagioni and a beer. got charged 12€. i’m pretty sure that’s the minimum wage. \\
before you scroll on, don’t. here’s the map. [iframe...] someone told me marseille’s vibe is a dumpster fire with a view. halfway true. the old port at sunset? fire. the rest? nested between construction cranes and old french accents. tried to interview a guy on the street. he just yelled 'bord de mer, putain!'. not helpful. \\
coffees are killing me. tried le café privé in the 4th. the wifi died 10 mins after i sat down. 3/10. but i’m told that’s what happens when you ask for a triple shot and a cold brew. next time, just ask for a pain au chocolat. \\
budget tip: hostels like la kneip in saint-john have free beer if you can decipher their guestbook. seriously, read the stains on the wall. '#teamcasper69'. travellers are weird. \\
if you’re bored, aix-en-provence’s like 50k on a bike. ruins the mood a little. also, never trust a review saying 'best view in the city' online. that’s just exasperated locals scarfing pastries. [yelp link]. i heard from the guy at the tram stop-'anytime before 10am, the place’s asleep. after that, it’s just introductions.' quotes accurate. \\
today’s lesson: always pack a raincoat. the humidity’s a wet blanket joke. or maybe i’m just a sock puppet for the tourism board. who knows. the pressure’s higher. metaphorically. psych. [tripadvisor link].

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