Rishikesh: a coffee snob's desperate scramble for espresso in the yoga capital (and other messes)

i'm in rishikesh and i'm already regretting my life choices. i came here for the spiritual vibes, the cheap accommodation, and the rumor of a third-wave coffee shop that supposedly roasts beans on a bicycle. instead, i'm sweating through my shirt, watching a cow eat a plastic bag, and realizing that my espresso machine is back in my hostel locker because i thought i'd find better here. the air feels like a oven set to 'dry', and i just checked and it's 32.14°c out, humidity at a bone-dry 12%, and the feels-like is 29.88 because the wind is just a rumor that the trees keep inventing.

i've been wandering these alleyways for hours, past sadhus with dreads that could shelter small birds, past tourists clutching reusable water bottles like they're holy relics. i'm on a caffeine mission, but all i see are chaiwallahs boiling milk with sugar and spices, and cafes offering 'cappuccino' that tastes like a milky soup. as a self-proclaimed coffee snob, i'm appalled. i pulled out my handheld burr grinder this morning, determined to make a pour-over in the hostel common area, but the guy at the front desk told me the water is 'too hard' and that i'd ruin the taste. i told him i'm ruining my own taste, not his, but he just shrugged and handed me a cup of something that looked like tea but was called 'coffee'.

the heat is relentless. i've never experienced humidity so low; my skin feels like parchment. i keep licking my lips and they stick together. i saw a sign for 'ac cafe' but it was just a fan blowing hot air. i'm starting to think i should've stayed in melbourne where baristas know what a 'flat white' is.

anyway, i'm sitting now at a place called 'caffeine & karma' (or maybe it's 'karma & caffeine' - the sign is faded) and i'm nursing a cold brew that's more like sweet tea. the barista, a guy with a nose ring and a shirt that says 'bean there', told me he gets his beans from a roaster in dehradun. i asked for the roast date, and he said 'uh, last week?' i asked 'which day?' and he just stared. classic.

i need to give you a sense of where i am, so here's a snapshot of the map (yes, it's pinned on 29.33,78.38, somewhere near the foothills, but i'm not exactly sure what city that is - maybe it's close to rishikesh? the map says so, and i'm not arguing).

the view from my stool is actually kinda epic: the ganges (or maybe a tributary) glistening under the harsh sun, mountains in the distance that look like they're on fire. i tried to capture it with my phone, but the light is too harsh. here's a pic i stole from unsplash that kinda resembles the scene:

and here's one that looks like the coffee i'm forced to drink:

now, about those numbers that are probably confusing you: 1261415 and 1356110156. they're not random, i promise. i got them from the same barista. he scribbled 1261415 on my cup - turns out it's the batch number of the beans he used (or at least that's what he claimed). later, when i asked for the roaster's contact to complain about the sour aftertaste, he handed me a business card with the number 1356110156. i called it, and a sleepy voice answered 'hello?' in what sounded like hindi, then hung up. i'm still not sure if it was a prank or the actual roaster. but i'm keeping the numbers as a souvenir of my caffeine odyssey.

i've been reading some reviews, or rather, overheard gossip from other travelers. someone told me that the 'special chai' at the stall near laxman jhula is actually brewed with the tears of disappointed baristas - obviously a myth, but it made me laugh. another traveler whispered that the best espresso in a 200 km radius is actually in a hidden cafe in dehradun, accessible only by smelling the roasted beans. i'm skeptical but tempted.

speaking of neighbours, if you get bored of rishikesh's endless ashrams and river rafts, dehradun is just a short drive away (like an hour or so) and offers a proper coffee scene, allegedly. also, haridwar is a quick bus ride if you want to witness the evening aarti and maybe find a chai that doesn't taste like dishwater. and if you're feeling adventurous, mussorie's hilltop views are only a couple of hours north - though the road might make you question your life choices again.

i should probably mention the weather again, because it's a big part of the experience. the heat is here, it's dry, and it makes your cold brew go flat before you can finish it. bring a hat, drink water that isn't coffee, and maybe invest in a portable aeropress - i'm seriously considering it.

i've also been scouring tripadvisor and yelp for any mention of decent coffee. i found a place called 'cafe by the river' with 4 stars, but the reviews are all about the view, not the brew. one review said: 'the espresso was as strong as my will to quit my job' - which i guess is a compliment? i'm not sure. i linked a few below for your perusal:

tripadvisor rishikesh coffee
yelp rishikesh cafes
local board rishikesh forums

i'm about to head back to my hostel, maybe attempt another pour-over with bottled water (which is probably worse). i'll leave you with this: if you're a coffee snob traveling to rishikesh, lower your expectations, bring your own beans, and maybe befriend a local roaster. i heard there's one in dehradun that delivers if you call 1356110156 - but that might just be the number of a very confused aunt.

anyway, the heat is still here, the numbers are still scribbled on my hand, and i'm still dreaming of a proper crema. until next time, keep your beans fresh and your thirst unquenched - or something like that.

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