olinda’s humidity melted my hoodie but not my resolve

i didn’t plan to end up here but here i am. olinda isn’t the place you think it is. let me tell you why. i just checked and it's...that sticky humidity, like the air is trying to stick to your nose. i wore my old cotton hoodie and by noon it felt like a sauna. don’t worry, i’m fine. or maybe i’m not. the weather here is like a hot room with no AC. i saw a guy at the market wiping his forehead with a banana leaf. that’s either profound or lazy. who knows?

if you get bored, the mountains are just a rough drive up. not that i’ve tried, obviously. i’m too busy avoiding the smell of street meat wafting from a corner vendor. some local told me that’s the best way to find ‘authentic’ food. i’m not sure i trust that advice. i tried a tapioca snack and it tasted like someone microwaved a cloud. maybe they’re right. maybe i’m just tired.

someone told me that the beach here is haunted. not by ghosts, apparently, but by the sound of waves at 3am. i don’t know if that’s true. i heard drunks at a bar say it’s a ‘vibe.’ others swear it’s just the ocean being dramatic. either way, it’s loud. if you’re sensitive to noise, bring earplugs. or don’t. olinda doesn’t care. it’s loud because it wants to be. there’s a local board on tripadvisor that says ‘don’t trust the waves.’ i glanced at it. seems shady. maybe it’s a conspiracy. who knows?

i wandered into this little café and the barista asked if i wanted ‘caféole.’ i said yes, which i now regret. it’s coffee mixed with orange juice. basically, tropical punch in a mug. not bad. the waiter told me it’s the local secret. maybe it is. maybe it’s just bad. i can’t tell. the reviews on yelp are split. one says it’s ‘life-changing,’ another calls it ‘liquid regret.’ probably both are right. take your chances.

there’s this spot where the street artist painted a giant snail on a wall. it’s been there for years. i wonder if it’s still there. maybe it’s a ghost snail. maybe it’s waiting for someone to step on it. i don’t know. i didn’t touch it. probably wise. the local says it’s a ‘message from the future.’ i think they’re full of it. or maybe they’re a sad soul. either way, it’s cool. if you see it, snap a pic. or don’t. i’m not your mom.

the people here are...intense. not in a bad way. they just vibe differently. i saw a kid selling handmade keychains out of a backpack. one had a tiny drawing of a parrot. another had a drawing of a man holding a banana. i bought the parrot one. it was cheap. he asked if i wanted a discount because it was raining. i said no. maybe i’m mean. maybe i’m just not into discounts. he didn’t argue. he just nodded and went back to selling. that’s respect.

if you’re into history, there’s this museum that’s basically a crumbling church. the sign says it’s closed. i went in anyway. the staff didn’t stop me. it was empty except for a dusty painting of a man holding a telescope. i whispered ‘hello’ to the painting. it didn’t answer. maybe it was busy. or maybe it’s dead. who knows? the reviews on the local board say it’s ‘overrated.’ i think they’re wrong. it’s haunted. or at least, it’s cool. you decide.

i took some photos of the ocean. the first one was blurry because i forgot to charge my phone. the second one was better. the third one was taken by a local who wanted to sell it for $20. i refused. it was too weird. the photos on unsplash show a brighter version of olinda. maybe it’s filtered. maybe it’s real. i can’t tell. here they are:

the nightlife here is chaotic. i went to a bar that plays only 80s music. the owner said it’s because ‘no one wants new stuff.’ i think he’s right. i danced badly. no one saw me. or maybe everyone did. who knows? there’s a review on tripadvisor that says the bar is ‘a time machine to 1987.’ i think that’s accurate. it was awkward and fun. you should go if you like synth music and bad decisions.

olinda is not for everyone. it’s not pretty. it’s not clean. but it’s real. it’s messy. it’s like living in a diary you wrote when you were 16. you’ll probably hate it at first. then you’ll find something weird and beautiful. maybe. or maybe you’ll just hate it. that’s fine too. sometimes you need to hate things. sometimes you need to buy a tapioca snack that tastes like a cloud. sometimes you need to dance in a bar with 80s music.

if you’re thinking of coming here, don’t. or do. i don’t know. it’s up to you. just know that the weather will try to kill you. the neighbors will ask you about the ghost snail. and the reviews will contradict each other. that’s olinda. it’s not a place. it’s a mood. a confusing, humid, snack-filled mood. enjoy it or don’t. either way, eat the tapioca. it’s probably the best part.

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