Zaporizhzhia: The Weirdest Place I've Ever Stayed (And I've Been to Vegas)
okay so here's the thing about zaporizhzhia - i landed there after a 14-hour train ride that smelled like old cabbage and regret. the airbnb host said "welcome to ukraine's secret city" and i was like... is that a good thing or are we about to get kidnapped by a crime syndicate? turns out it's just weirdly charming in a way that makes you question your life choices.
i just checked and it's 2.21°c there right now, which is basically nature's way of saying "you should've stayed in bed." but no, i was out exploring the khortytsia island in what felt like a wet sock for a face. the soviet-era monuments look like they're judging you for your poor clothing choices. someone told me that the local legend says if you touch the sword of damocles statue at midnight, you'll either become a millionaire or get dysentery - i didn't test it.
if you get bored, dnipro and kherson are just a short drive away, though "short drive" in ukraine might mean "three hours of existential questioning about your life choices." i heard from a drunk taxi driver that the best borscht in town is at this hole-in-the-wall called "grandma's secret" - he said it'll make you forget your own name, but in a good way? i'm still deciding if that's a compliment.
"This city will either steal your heart or steal your wallet. Probably both." - overheard at a bus stop
the locals have this thing where they'll invite you to drink vodka at 11am and then tell you conspiracy theories about the neighboring countries. i learned that according to local lore, the dnieper river is actually a time portal, but only works if you're drunk enough. i'm not sure if that's tourism marketing or just really creative alcoholism. check out tripadvisor for more local legends that might be true or might be the result of too much horilka.
*pro tip: if you're visiting, bring layers. like, all the layers you own. and maybe a small heater. and a thermal sleeping bag. the humidity is at 82% which means you're basically a walking water balloon with feelings. someone also mentioned that the best coffee in town is at this place called "wake up, we're still in ukraine" - i haven't been yet because i'm scared the name is a challenge i'm not ready to accept.
i'm not saying zaporizhzhia changed my life, but i am saying i now own a t-shirt that says "i survived zaporizhzhia and all i got was this stupid shirt." it's probably the most honest souvenir i've ever bought. the city's got this weird mix of industrial grit and people who will feed you until you can't move - it's like if detroit and your ukrainian grandma had a baby that really likes steel production.
random advice:* don't try to outdrink the locals unless you have a death wish and a very understanding employer. also, learn the word for "more" in ukrainian because you're gonna need it when the borscht comes. and it will come. and it will be glorious.
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