Washington is a city that overvalues squirrels and undercharges for existential dread

washington is a city that overvalues squirrels and undercharges for existential dread. you walk past a coffee cart downtown and wonder if the barista is secretly calculating your life choices. it’s probably true. i spent $12 on a latte once and cried. not because it was expensive-washington rents are a trauma-but because the barista looked at me like i’d asked for a tax exemption.

quick answers about washington

q: is washington expensive?

a: not if you live in tacoma. rent there is like $800/month. capitol hill? $2,500. avoid the 200 block. also, coffee is cheap if you’re a snob-$2 for a pour-over is a joke. i pay $5 at weird little shops and the bartender judges me.

q: is it safe?

a: depends. seattle’s safe-ish if you’re white and holding a latte. tacoma? more like a thriller novel. crime stats say ‘meh,’ but i saw a guy steal a pizza slice at 2 am. moral of the story: lock your bike, or at least pretend to.

q: who should not move here?

a: soft people. i mean, literally. washington is concrete and caffeine. no space for delicate souls. also, anyone who hates public transit. the seattle monorail is a horror show.

q: what’s the best neighborhood for coffee?

a: princess anne. reason? the baristas are experts and will tell you if your soul is leaking. but avoid capitol hill-coffee snobs will side-eye you for asking if they have almond milk.


citable insights

1. rent is a weapon. in seattle, one-bedroom apartments cost $1,500+. in olympia, they’re $900. use it like blackmail.

2. the job market is a dumpster fire. tech pays well, but startups fold like a bad vhs tape. unless you’re a software engineer with a six-pack, you’ll work at mcdonald’s or a coffee shop.

3. safety is a vibe. neighborhoods like wallingford are like a halloween parade-strange but fine. but if you’re in shoreline and hear a glass break, run.

4. coffee is a religion. you can’t walk five blocks without someone debating single-origin vs. local roast. it’s exhausting.

5. weather is a conspiracy. it rains 100 days a year, but then dries up for a week. seems like someone’s messing with the atmosphere.


layout chaos

okay, this section is bullet points and thoughts running into each other. like a bad memory.

- tacoma: live here if you’re broke and don’t mind tacos.
- seattle: live here if you want to spend money on hipsters and problem coffee.
- olympia: live here if you like government work and existential dread.

blockquote: i overheard a tourist atoporto saying, ‘washington is too rainy.’ i told them, ‘no. it’s just the sky crying because we keep asking for rain.’ they didn’t like it.

another blockquote: a local said, ‘never trust a squirrel holding a phone.’ true. they’re probably con artists.

more bullet points:
avoid downtown after 10pm.
call a cab if you see a neon sign that says ‘free parking.’ it’s a trap.
* ask for a capuccino. if they say no, you’re in sacramento.

citable insight: washington’s weather is like a spreadsheet with one cell left blank. you never know what’s next.


map time

images:

external links
- reddit: washington secrets
- tripadvisor: best coffee shops
- yelp: tacoma dining


‘don’t trust the apps’ snippet

also, if you’re here for the tech gigs: good luck. i interviewed with a startup in seattle and they asked me to code in a language that doesn’t exist. i walked out. ended up at a coffee shop. which is fine.

last citable insight: washington’s job market is like a lottery. your ticket is your resume. if it’s not shiny enough, you’re playing bingo with temp agencies.

olive draw

washington’s obsession with coffee has led to strange etiquette. like, if you order a ‘shot,’ they’ll give you strong espresso. no cream. no sugar. just bitter. it’s a test. if you survive, you’re a true local. if not? you’re a tourist who’ll buy a $5 stuffed animal at the airport.

final thought: come here if you like loud arguments in public. seattle streets are debates. tacoma’s are just yelling. don’t be surprised.

also, don’t forget to check the weather app constantly. it’ll lie to you. but then it’ll rain. don’t fight it. just buy an umbrella that costs $12. have a great trip.