st. petersburg, or is it? (i just realized this place is basically a mausoleum of bad life choices)

ok so i arrived in st. petersburg at 3 am which is usually a good sign if youre trying to avoid people but not here. the only thing keeping me moving was the thought that if i stare long enough at this ice cream truck playing polka music it might start giving away free pancakes. obviously it didn’t. i should’ve just stayed in my hotel room and re-watched that documentary about penguins with no subtitles.

right so let me start by saying do not trust anyone who tells you st. petersburg is a city of brotherly love. i heard that from a guy who looked like he’d rather be anywhere else and he was reheating fish paste on a public grill. anyway the weather here? i just checked and it’s minus one degree out, which is basically just frozen rain at this point. hope you like that kind of thing. i don’t. my socks are now auditioning for a role in a horror movie.

i heard that someone once got stuck in an elevator for 12 hours while the doors announced ‘please hold’ in a voice that sounded like a dying seagull. another person told me the local museums are just inside jokes stored in glass cases. like, have you ever seen a painting that’s 80% shadow? no? well lucky for you, that’s the most interesting thing happening in this place right now.

the neighbor situation here is wild. if you get bored, other towns overrun by tour buses are a short drive away. just don’t tell anyone i said that. i’m pretty sure my landlord is plotting to repossess my scooter because he heard me laughing at how many pigeons are in this city. like, why are there pigeons the size of cats? is this a secret bird sanctuary or what?

someone told me that the coffee shop on kakhovskaya street serves the best latte but only if you tell them a secret anecdote about a exorcism you performed last Tuesday. i didn’t ask for it and i’m not sharing. meanwhile, the street vendors are selling everything from aspirin in paper bags to questionable pickled herring that’s probably expired.

i discovered a random fact today: if you walk into a café and ask for a ‘long black,’ they’ll assume you’re a spy and charge you double. conversely, if you ask for a ‘short black,’ they’ll give you a spoonful of instant coffee and roll their eyes. it’s like living in a riddle wrapped in a paradox.

here’s the deal though-st. petersburg is great if you like being a character in someone else’s damage report. i heard that the old shipyards are chalk full of ghosts and one guy claimed he saw a skeleton in a library window. idk if it’s true but i checked the weather and it’s still freezing. that skeleton probably doesn’t care.

links for context?for scams,if you can stomach audio tours, andbecause honestly, who else cares enough to start a local board?

in summary: this city is a dumpster fire that accidentally invented mustard. wear socks. wear a lot of socks. maybe wear eclipse goggles if you’re feeling extra. i didn’t. now my feet are haunted by a relentless sense of regret.

p.s. i just applied for a job as a part-time tour guide. my resume includes ‘survived a 3-hour bridge of frozen cobblestones’ and ‘capable of forgetting a colon in my sentences.’ probably not a good combo.

You might also be interested in:

• https://votoris.com/post/istanbul-static-electricity-and-strong-coffee
• https://votoris.com/post/kruevac-a-photographers-soggy-love-letter
• https://votoris.com/post/sweating-in-riyadh-mid20s-dust-thrift-finds-gossip
• https://votoris.com/post/plovdiv-busking-when-the-weather-feels-like-771-and-other-truths
• https://votoris.com/post/newcastle-upon-tyne-rain-bridges-and-a-seriously-good-brown-ale