screwing around in philadelphia: my 3 a.m. take on the city that never sleeps

just woke up at 3 a.m. because i forgot to pay my street vendor 2 bucks for a bottle of lukewarm coffee. now i’m outside this random intersection in philadelphia, staring at the fog like it’s a horror movie. the weather here is 7.54 degrees, but it feels like 4.68 because of that 84% humidity. i swear the air is trying to climb in my ears.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you like cold, damp air that clings to your skin. the city itself is fine, but the weather’s a mood. unless you’re a fan of hypothermia as a lifestyle choice.

q: is it expensive?
a: yeah. like, ‘why are my payments due’ expensive. hostels are $30-$50/night, and anything labeled ‘local’ costs 3x what it should. avoid that dude selling oregano at 3 a.m.

q: who would hate it here?
a: people who don’t vibe with existential dread. also, blonds. 84% humidity makes hair look like it’s been through a blender. don’t be that person.

q: best time to visit?
a: between 3-7 a.m. or when everyone’s back home. that’s when the real philadelphia is, if it exists. otherwise, it’s just tourists and pretentious tourists.

the maps app keeps crashing. i gave up. just walked around until i found a bar. inside, a guy playing saxophone kept humming a folderol. it was adorable. i bought a $12 beer. it tasted like regret and expired hops.

insulation here is either terrible or a lie. my dorm room in boston was 6 degrees, but this place? this place is 8.37 at max today. but feels like acre. i learned that locally, people wear flannel even in july. i asked a guy why. he said, ‘it’s a state of mind.’

i heard philadelphia’s traffic is worse than london’s. i didn’t test this, but i saw a uhaul stuck in a hole for 20 minutes. someone on reddit warned me about this. red flags all around.

this city has soul. i don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s real. like, the kind of real that makes you question everything. i’m currently in a park. a bunch of pigeons are arguing about bread. it’s their version of a town hall meeting.

the internet is broken here. i tried to post a yelp review but the wifi is 4g ghost. so i’m going to r/philadelphia about this later. maybe they’ll tell me if i should leave or not.

another insight: if you ask a local for directions, they’ll lead you into a trap. or a pub. or a dumpster. i asked where the nearest subway was. got sent to a abandoned church.

i saw a tourist buying a $50 t-shirt that said ‘love philadelphia’ but the font looked like it was drawn by a 3-year-old. great marketing.

i’m not sure if this weather is normal. the app says min 6.23, max 8.37. but the feels-like is 4.68. so is the app lying? or is my brain? probably both.

i found a feed store. they sell hay bales for $20. i didn’t buy one because i’m not that guy. but if you are, go ahead. it’s philadelphia. anything is possible.

the humidity is a conspiracy. it’s real. it’s everywhere. your socks will revolve around you. i’m sweating through jeans that i bought in florida.

i’m supposed to go to sleep. but i’m writing this instead. my fingers are too cold. my phone is too heavy. but the words keep coming.

links:
- tripadvisor: philadelphia weather reports
- yelp: best budget hostels
- reddit: r/philadelphia travel tips
- google maps: current location

images: see above. one of them is a dog walking person. ironic.

i’ll update this if i get back inside. probably won’t.