sao paulo: my cheap, chaotic east-east journey
woke up at 5:30 am after a 12-hour bus ride that smelled like expired soda and regret. felt like i’d swallowed the entire city in one go. wasn’t planning to write this. just typed into my phone: ‘sao paulo, will it kill me?’ turn out, it might. depends if you’re a budget student or a rich human. either way, here’s the deal.
quick answers
ii thought this place was a trap. then i stayed in a hostel for $12 a night and ate feijão tropeiro for breakfast. it’s worth it if you’re low-key. no, seriously. if you hate crowds, skip it. but if you want to binge street food and cry-laugh at local “tourist traps,” come. you’ll survive.
iit cost about $10 a day if you’re smart. anything above $20? that’s your fault. yes, hostels are cheap. no, you shouldn’t splurge. unless you’re buying a mango. mangoes are expensive here. don’t ask why.
iwh would hate it? old people who think brazil is a shithole. or tourists who don’t learn basic portuguese. or people who want to take selfies at every landmark. spoiler: the landmarks are fake. mostly.
best time? feb-march or oct. not december. avoid new year’s because everyone’s either crying or partying in a mall. winter’s too hot. spring’s a scam. wait, what’s winter here? whatever. just don’t be there in july.
caring about the weather? it’s 21 degrees and feels like 21.79. which means you can wear a t-shirt and a hoodie at the same time. it’s bless. walks are good. but the humidity? it’s 60% and it clings to you like a bad memory. you’ll sweat through your hoodie. congratulations, you’re living the life.
temperatures are stuck at 21.97 like some cursed number. min and max are the same. it’s either perfect or a scam. i spent an hour trying to run in this weather and realized it’s basically no humidity. weird. makes you question everything. like why is the air so clean? why is the fan blowing? why am i not dying?
food? cheap eats everywhere. you’ll eat something i can’t pronounce and realize it’s just beans with whatever. locals don’t care. i heard a guy yell, ‘eat or die’ at a market. i ate. it was fine. some people warned me about the illusion of cheapness. they said, ‘sao paulo is a poverty trap.’ but i paid $3 for a whole avocado. how is that a trap?
safety? not the worst. but don’t walk alone at night. i heard stories about pickpockets near the station. but i also saw a guy hail a taxi with one hand while spraying mist from his phone. chaos is the safety net here. everyone’s too busy to care. unless you’re poor. then they’re too busy stealing your bag.
i once tried to order pizza in english. the guy said, ‘we only speak pizza in spanish.’ it was a joke. or maybe not. point is, learn basic phrases. or just dive in. worst case, you’ll get a free taco. or a meningitis shot. who knows?
this city hates tourists. or loves them? it’s confused. you’ll see a park full of locals playing sax and a tourist group doing yoga. same plaza. same day. it’s like nothing matters. or everything matters. take your pick.
i got lost in a street where buildings looked like they were painted by accident. someone told me it was ‘the creativity district.’ i asked, ‘is it safe?’ they handed me a flyer for a bed&bath. i didn’t read it. stayed there. it was a disaster. but at least the bed was clean.
x there are enough doors to confuse you. i counted 17 ways to leave my hostel tonight. 12 led to the same alley. 5 ended up at a bar with a ‘no tourists’ sign. one was a trap door to a bunker. probably. i didn’t go in. but i’m telling you, there’s a story in every puddle here.
x someone asked me, ‘is this place romantic?’ i said, ‘only if you define romance as surviving on instant noodles and staring at murals of men holding bags of cocaine.’ they laughed. it was weird. but maybe they were right.
links
TripAdvisor chaos
Reddit survival tips
Yelp for budget food
local scam list
map?
no clue where we are. maybe buenos airos? who cares?
images
p.s. if you come, don’t trust anyone who says ‘this is the heart of the city.’ it’s a lie. the heart is a myth. like unicorns. or sushi here. but you can find mystery in the chaos. just don’t look for it. let it find you.