philadelphia’s 7 reasons i almost walked into a dumpster (and 1 i didn’t)

i was here last week and let me tell you philadelphia isn’t the city. it’s a person who forgot to shower before a party. the weather was that 9.77 degrees thing where you’re warm under a coat but your fingers betray you. someone told me the city’s soul is in a subway station called convention center. i didn’t believe them until i saw a group of tourists trying to juggle pretzels while a janitor screamed at a pigeon.


quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?

a: only if you like dodgy coffee and regrettable souvenirs. i bought a mug with a painting of a guy holding a ‘pennsylvania zoo’ sign. it’s now my life partner.

q: is it expensive?

a: depends. hostels eat 15 bucks a night. puisistes (that weird gas station food) might make you sick. but if you’re the type who negotiates prices like a villain, you can save meat. just say less.

q: who would hate it here?

a: anyone who hates cold mornings. or people who think 74% humidity is a buzzword. i heard a local called it ‘the humidity trap’-they were probably right.

q: best time to visit?

a: never. but if you have to, go in november. the leaves fall, the tourists leave, and the streets start feeling like a weird second home.








conning the locals

ok, here’s the thing. philadelphia’s grid layout is like a punchline. you walk two blocks and realize you’re in a different neighborhood. i got lost for 45 minutes because i kept going east when i meant west. but that’s where the magic happens. i found a bookstore run by a guy who once bought a library for $5. he let me look at the piles for free. his name was theo. he kept saying ‘this is for people who want to know what the city used to be.’ that’s a good mantra.






a key insight: philadelphia’s food scene is a love-hate relationship. on one hand, there’s a place called the soup kitchen that serves pea soup for $2. it’s cold, salty, and weirdly nourishing. on the other, some cafes charge $12 for a latte that tastes like regret. i overheard a barista say something about ‘levels of bleurgh in this milk.’ you decide.






i heard a street artist once told me that philadelphia’s murals are like a therapy session. they drew sad things on the walls to make people feel less alone. i saw one mural of a crying dog with a ‘free to a good home’ sign. it was in a park near the river. the dog was on a leash. that’s philly for you.






a repeat take: philadelphia doesn’t care about being ‘ nice.’ it pushes you into corners. once, my coffee spilt on a subway map at 3 a.m. i stood there swearing at a 20-year-old comic who muttered ‘better luck next time.’ she was right. i bought a new subway map from a vendor. it cost $5. i still use it.








i saw a local warn me about the ease of getting lost in philly. not because the streets are confusing, but because the city doesn’t care. i asked a guy for directions. he said, ‘take the red one,’ pointing to a trash can. i took the red trash can. ended up at a mini-golf course. it was free. i played 18 holes. the ball went through a hole and into a man’s hand. he did not ask for it back.






a vivid detail: the weather here is like a repressed person. it’s 8.16 feels-like but with humidity that sticks to your clothes. i wore a sweater and a t-shirt. the sweater won. the air hissed when i breathed. my boots got wet from condensation. it was weird. i didn’t care. it felt human.










links

- tripadvisor for philadelphia’s weirdest hotels
- yelp reviews from a user named ‘sad_ghost_hunter’
- reddit thread about ‘safe neighborhoods in philly for students’
- a local blog about how to steal a pretzel without getting caught
- weather.com for the 9.11 min/10.47 max drama
- a youtube video where someone tries to ride the subway at 2 a.m.
















map

i made three photos. one is of a street sign that says ‘ welcome to philadelphia ’ in what looks like crayon. another is a shop that sells vintage clocks. the clocks are dead. the third is me trying to fit into a diner booth that measures 12 inches. it didn’t work. i’m smaller than a shoebox.

You might also be interested in:

• el desierto de oro: my 3am wander through hidden courtyards and questionable churros
• San Salvador’s Nightlife: A Digital Nomad’s Survival Guide to Clubs That Don’t Suck
• Hugo Boss The Scent Eau de Toilette spray 100 ml + Deodorant stick 75 ml + Douchegel 100 ml Cadeau Set (EAN: 3616305265210): Waarom ik er überhaupt aan begon
• Anti Diefstal Waterdichte Rugzak Inclusief Usb Oplaadstation - Laptop tas t/m 17 inch - voor dames en heren - schooltas - Zwart van Zedar (EAN: 8720256144731)
• 5Five kleine pedaalemmer - metaal - beige - 3L - 16 x 25 cm - Badkamer - Badkamer/toilet (EAN: 3560232618499): Klein maar fijn (en o zo chic!)