oslo after three days of that relentless drizzle and why i still haven’t left
i’ve been here a few days now and let me tell you, oslo is not your typical tourist trap. it’s like if someone took european excess and mixed it with a 1990s discount store. the architecture? check. the coffee? yes but it’s black and will judge your life choices. and the weather? i just checked and it’s that wet again out there, hope you like walking in a patchwork of puddles and existential dread.
the neighbors are… well, the neighbors. if you get bored, oslo is just a short drive away. which is ironic because it’s basically a city shaped like a giant pretzel. one guy down the street started playing bagpipes at 3 am last night. i’m not sure if he’s a local or a ghost trying to sleep walk through history. either way, don’t wake the bagpiper.
i heard that the public baths here are basically saunas with showers. someone told me that if you sit in the hot tub for too long, you’ll start hearing voices. i didn’t test this theory. too cheap. i also heard that the tap water tastes like someone left a library book in a bathtub. again, didn’t try it. but i did try the cinnamon buns at that cafe near the train station. they were amazing. or maybe they were hallucinogenic. i can’t remember. i was high on cheap coffee and existential thoughts.
the reviews are all over the place. one yelp says the local museum is ‘a broken keyboard of history,’ while another claims the street art is ‘so fake it’s real.’ i saw a tourist video of a guy skateboarding down a giant sculpture of a moose. i want to do that. i want to be that guy. but first, i need to figure out if the moose is real or just a very angry abstract art project.
here’s the deal: oslo is not aboutangement. it’s about survival. survival of the blandest possible food in the driest possible weather. but there’s magic here. hidden in the grunge of it all. like that weird little bookstore with collectible postage stamps. or the guy who sells smoked salmon from his bike. he charged me in euros. i didn’t question it.
the map below shows where i kept getting lost. which is fine. i like getting lost. it makes me feel like a real oslo local. even though i probably don’t belong here at all.
i took some photos of the snow (even though it’s mostly sleet) and the city lights reflecting off everything. here’s one of me pretending to be a snowboarder in a park. i fell immediately. but that’s part of the experience.
someone warned me that oslo has a secret underground music scene. i’m not sure if they’re serious or just trying to sell me a hostel. but i did find this weird loft with a band playing jazz fusion with a saxophone made of driftwood. it was weird. also, the drums were out of tune. but that’s oslo for you.
if you’re here for the vibe, you’re already winning. if you’re here for clarity, you’re gonna need a bigger coffee. or a new passport. or both. i’m still trying to figure out if this city is my newest addiction or just a bad decision. either way, it’s noisy. it’s wet. but sometimes that’s exactly what you need.
you can check out the local market scene on tripadvisor (https://www.tripadvisor.com) or get lost in the fog on yelp (https://www.yelp.com). or just follow me here. this post is messy. it’s supposed to be. because oslo is messy.
p.s. if you’re a coffee snob, don’t come here. i tried a place called ‘cafe noir’ and left crying. also, the weather app said it’s supposed to rain tomorrow. which is great. because i’ve stopped caring about dry days anyway.
no recap. no conclusions. just another day in oslo. where even the silence feels like a haunting.
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