okay so i just rolled into montevideo after a 20-hour bus ride from charlotte nc and im like 300% caffeine now but also 100% convinced i’m hallucinating because the air here smells like wet socks and bureaucratic paperwork. the temp’s 22.54 which is barely enough to make me regret not packing a jacket but also enough to make me sweat like a sinner in a church. humidity’s 81% so basically i’m inside a giant damp handkerchief. but hey maybe that’s why the street cats are sleeping in oyster crates?

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you enjoy paying 5 usd for a chipotle burrito that tastes like regret. also yes if you love chaos because even the taxis useLicenses from 2005.

q: is it expensive?
a: like if you comparison shop. hostels from 10 usd/night sleep and you’ll be fine. don’t fall for the fancy coffee shops though-they’ll charge you 15 usd for a latte and then act offended if you ask for sugar.

q: who would hate it here?
a: people who haven’t taken a nasa go pro class on surviving sewage systems. or plush people.

q: best time to visit?
a: like right now. it’s stupid warm but also stupid cheap. don’t come in july-it rains so much the streets become permanent leaky boats.

here’s the thing though-montevideo feels like a sentient spreadsheet. you’ll find a hostel for 10 usd but then the wifi costs 2.50 usd/hour. i stayed at one called carrera that looked like it survived a hurricane and a rat infestation. the owner was a guy named luis who charged extra for showers because he said ‘water is a luxury.’ okay but also fair?

weirdly safe for a city that looks like it’s auditioning for a gritty crime movie. i walked past a bunch of homeless people sipping rum near a convenience store and no one scalped my phone. locals are like ‘we don’t know you so don’t act up.’ cool. up until you try to haggle at a fruit stand and the guy gives you a look that says ‘i’ve seen your soul in a mirror.’

someone told me the best place to eat is a joint called el churrasco. they serve beef that’s so tender it’s basically chewing gum. but it’s 8 usd for two bites and you have to time your hunger window right because they only open when the owner’s not napping. i ended up eating a sandwich from a kiosk for 1.50 usd and it tasted like pure joy. who does that?

i heard there’s a hidden motorcycle club in the industrial district. one local warned me to avoid it after midnight because ‘some guys there smoke really cheap cigarettes and get aggressive if you spill a drop of soda on their gear.’ classic. like handing someone a lit match in a karaoke bar.

the weather here is what happens when you mix a sauna and a humidifier. 22.54 degrees but with 81% humidity it’s like wearing a wet t-shirt while standing in a swamp. i tried hiking a park thingy and my legs turned into wet noodles. but the sunsets are good? they’re painted by someone who’s never owned a paintbrush but is really into neon colors.

if you wanna be a tourist here you gotta understand the lies. yelp says ‘montevideo is vibrant’ but it’s just loud buskers trying to rob you. redit’s subreddit is a dumpster fire of expats complaining about the tap water. i drank some tap water because a local said it’s fine and now i have a stomach that sings tragedy ballads.

so yeah. montevideo’s not a place that’ll plan your life. it’ll throw you snacks and maybe a warning. if you like that okay. if you like structure-run. but the money is good and the chaos is free.

montevideo on a budget like a broke student with a caffeine addiction

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