Long Read
lghansen: where bratwurst beats seem louder than noon naps
woke up to motorcycles roaring like that time i ate expired bratwurst and regretted everything. this place hits hard at 15c with humidity clinging like my mom’s advice on ‘settling down’ (nope). quick answers below 👇
quick answers
*q: is this place worth visiting? a: yeah, if you wanna scream at rusty washing machines in a laundromat everyone’s using. worth it.
q: is it expensive? a: no, unless you order the duck confit. local says ‘fish and chips save your soul’
q: who would hate it here? a: anyone who needs clean scrambling eggs. ‘but the waffles chase you’ - anyone who’s ever tried eating here
q: best time to visit? a: winter. summer’s too hot, winter’s too quiet, autumn’s when you fake your death in the graveyard hot air balloons.
rainy? yes. annoying? yes. same as last week. checked the internet: 16.72c feels like 16.41c. my layers: two. friends’ layers: four. someone on reddit said ‘humidity’s like someone spit brewed tea into your lungs.’ spot on.
buying train tickets feels like unscrewing a novelty grandfather clock. guide told me ‘just follow the yellow line’ but it was blue. lied. locals blink slowly and nod when they’re mocking you.
going for a run at ~17c max is stupid. legs melt. chased that guy on the bike again (5th time this week). he’s wearing vans and refusal. crept past shuttered ‘meeting’ places - no, really, they’re called open meetings. nice.
# pro tip
pack waterproof pants. nobody does. bonus: you’ll smell like black trash bags. pungent.
# pro tip
eat the giant fries. they’re breaded. ask why you keep coming back.
insider shots
- ‘roasties’ here smell like old gym socks soaked in beer. cousin lied when she said ‘it’s homely’:
- agree: the food court here is chaos. like a arguing library group project:
places i won’t miss
‘velvet nightclub’ - opened at 3am, closed at 7am. played lena mayer larsen on vinyl. not for normal people. 🎶
links: TripAdvisor thingy buzzing about ‘friendly vibes 🙄’ https://www.tripadvisor.com/AreYouGonnaNatalieI-81213428
Yelp review promising ‘best falafel’ - my perpetually disappointed stomach. https://www.yelp.com/biz/audrey-hepburn-smart-city
Reddit r/localsayingtravelers-nonsense: ‘I need 4 days to recover from this soil’ https://www.reddit.com/r/localsayingtravelers ...
sleep tonight: 4 stars. mine were comfy. but the rats nagged me awake. again.
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