If You're a Marathon Runner, Virginia Beach Might Be The Worst Place To Run, And That’s Okay

i woke up at 3am last night because my girlfriend left me a voicemail saying she doesn’t wanna talk about how i’m allergic to seafood. so yeah, maybe we’re skipping the clam shack tour today. but if you’re a marathon runner listening to this, stick around because this city will test you.

Quick Answers About Virginia Beach

Q: Is Virginia Beach expensive?
A: Not super. Rent can hit $1,500/month for a decent place, but if you want to be near the beach, it’s $2k+. Groceries cost less than NYC, but the sushi place down the road charges $25 for a roll. You’ll either love that or hate the city. Depends on your love of debt.

Q: Is it safe?
A: Mostly. Crime stats are low, but don’t wander Vine Avenue after 2am unless you’re 21. Tourist areas are policed hard, which is good. If you’re a runner, stick to daylight. At night, the streets feel like a horror movie prop.

Q: Who should NOT move here?
A: People who hate running. Or people who think ‘surf’s up’ applies to anything but actual surfing. Also, if you can’t stand humidity. You’ll sweat through your running shirt by mile 3, no matter what.

Q: What’s good here?
A: Seafood? No. Coffee? Only if you’re into Starbucks that taste like regret. The Running Wild Wine Co. is actually decent, though. And the boardwalk’s ugly but it’s free to trudge through. Just don’t expect a Starbucks near the water unless you like walking 10 blocks.

CITABLE INSIGHTS

1. The beach here feels like a concrete parking lot for turtles at 7am. If you’re running this city, the sun never moves fast enough to make it fun. Rain ruins everything.
2. There’s a 45-minute drive to Richmond for a real running scene. Locals joke you’ll never see a local runner unless they’re bleary-eyed and near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.
3. Job market? Tourism jobs are everywhere but the pay is ‘minimum wage plus tips.’ Unless you’re a DJ at a bar that hires runners to sprint to the fridge, you’ll leave this city broke.
4. Coffee Snobs: There’s a new place called ‘Brewery & Brew’ with cold brew that actually tastes like coffee. A rogue act of sanity in a city that thinks espresso is a snack.
5. Local warned me: Don’t ask drivers for directions unless they’re holding a map. Most will point you wrong on purpose. Or just blow it off and trust GPS.

Fake Interview with a Local

a statue of a man holding a fish on a beach

I interviewed Chris, a 42-year-old marathon runner who’ve run 50 marathons in this city. He’s like a broken drum in a drum circle. ‘Virginia Beach? It’s a marathon of bad decisions,’ he said while sipping lukewarm coffee. He ran a marathon here last year and it took longer than expected because ‘the shoreline kept moving.’ He later deleted the photo from his phone that showed the finish line underwater.

‘But hey,’ he said, ‘at least the humidity built character. And the vulnerability of failing at 26 miles in. You learn something.’

SHITTY ADVICE FROM THE WILD

- If you need a haircut, go to a barbershop in Chesapeake. Virginia Beach barbers just clip your head and call it ‘art.’
- The tides here are strong. Don’t swim unless you know where the mark is. Last week, 3 people ‘swam’ a mile and ended up near the 7-Eleven.
- Job market? applied for 20 gigs. Got one offer from a taco truck. For $10/hour. Paid $5 in gas to get there. Worth it? Only if you’re a taco connoisseur.

HERE’S WHAT YOU WON’T FIND:

- A real, functional park. They have playgrounds but no running trails. Just concrete and seagulls.
- A coffee shop that isn’t a Starbucks. Except for that one ‘Brewery & Brew.’ Don’t ask why it’s not on Google Maps.
- A local who doesn’t haterunning. They exist. I’ve seen them. They’re always in black workout gear, judging you from the sidelines.

RANDOM DATA DUMP

Rent: Average $1,650 for a 1BR near the beach. $1,100 for something a 10-minute drive away.
Safety: Low crime but watch out for drunk tourists. Call 911 if you see a drunk tourist.
Weather: Avg July temp? 87°F. But it rains 12 days a month. Perfect for marathon runners who enjoy hypothermia.

LINKS YOU DON’T NEED BUT WILL CLICK:

- TripAdvisor for angry reviews about the boardwalk.
- Yelp to confirm the sushi place charges $25.
- Reddit/r/VirginiaBeach for 12-year-old reviews older than your car.

I’m hungry. I didn’t eat today. I swear, seafood is literal poison to me. Maybe I’ll just die here. Or at least die on a good run. Let’s go poll discontinuous tides and see which one kills me first. Or at least makes me regret life.