i just arrived here and the air feels like it’s made of expired laundry detergent. i pressed play on my face and it’s running at 94% humidity. my phone said 16°c but i’m pretty sure the thermostat is lying. this is the city? it’s a maze of sticky sidewalks and people who breathe in the same soggy air. i walked past a shop selling ‘authentic’ coconut water and the vendor looked like someone who’d rather be anywhere else. i added this to my list of ‘do not visit’ but here we are.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you enjoy being yelled at by seagulls for existing. seriously though, if you like waking up to the sound of rain trapped in a bottle, it’s your jam. otherwise, why are you here?

q: is it expensive?
a: nope. the cheapest thing i’ve spent money on is a motel room that smells like mold. the expensive thing? trying not to stare at the rats in the alley.

q: who would hate it here?
a: the type of person who thinks ‘vibrant’ is a personality trait. also, anyone who wants to taste a pizza that’s more concrete than cheese.

q: best time to visit?
a: right after a hurricane. the humidity drops 10 degrees and the locals have nothing better to do than clean up.

i heard a local warned me about the tap water. turns out, it’s not just unsafe-it’s a digestive weapon. i tried it once. it tasted like a failed sandwich. next time, i’m buying a bottle and crying about the carbon footprint.

here’s the thing: this city doesn’t care. it’s 94% humidity, 16°c, and 1018 hPa of pressure. the numbers don’t lie, but they don’t help much either. i’m sitting in a café sipping something that might be coffee, and the person next to me is whispering about how the air tastes like a wet sock. i believed them. it does.

another insight: the weather here is a character. it’s not just hot or cold-it’s alive. i took a walk to find somewhere to Instagram, but every photo I took looked like a blurry dream. the streets are wet, the people are sweaty, and the vibe is like a bad rom-com. but then i saw a street artist spray-painting a mural of a cactus in a place that doesn’t get sun. it’s absurd. maybe that’s the point.

someone told me the local food is amazing. i tried a dish called ‘caipirinha’ and it was just sugar and lime juice. i hate it. i hate it so much. but here’s the thing-someone else told me it’s ‘cultural.’ i’m calling that a lie. or maybe i’m just a pretentious tourist. who knows.

another thing: the internet. i expected slow, but it’s actually a dumpster fire. i tried to stream a video and it buffered for 45 minutes. the neighbor’s cat is using my bandwidth. i’m not mad. the cat’s name is probably something like ‘wifi’ and it’s mad too.

this place has a safety vibe? i don’t know. the locals don’t lock their doors, but they also don’t trust strangers enough to leave a door open. it’s a weird balance. i left my phone in a public bathroom and it was gone in 10 minutes. no one stole it. it just disappeared. like a ghost.

nearby cities? i’ve driven 20 minutes to a place called ‘small town’ and it was just a gas station and a guy selling pirated movies. it’s not a recommendation. but if you like failing film projects, that’s your spot.

i heard the best time to visit is during a festival. but the last one i saw was a guy dancing to a boombox in the rain. it was beautiful. tragic. maybe both.

night happens at 7pm. the city doesn’t switch off. it just gets darker. i saw a bar downtown where people were drinking liquids that looked like motor oil. i didn’t ask. i don’t think anyone would have answered.

here’s a tip: don’t trust the maps. the one I used said there’s a beach 10 minutes away. turns out, it’s a mudflat and a very confused seagull.

images:

link to tripadvisor: https://www.tripadvisor.com/place/12345/salvador-brazil
link to yelp: https://www.yelp.com/biz/local-cafe-salvador
link to reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/Salvador
link to local market: https://www.salvadormarket.com

map:

how to hate humans in a place that smells like a forgotten rainforest

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