geneva’s tangled alleyways & my bag of vintage toms

i didn’t plan to wear the same pair of boots for three days but here we are. genevea is that place where you wonder why you didn’t just teleport to paris or whatever. the weather’s 17.3°C with 83% humidity, which is like wearing a wet blanket and a trenchcoat at the same time. my vintage tommy hillfillers are now permanently muddy, and i’m starting to hate them but also love them because they’re my only shoes. tomorrow i might regret this.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: if you like walking in the cold, getting lost, and pretending you’re in a serieus indie film, yeah. but don’t expect much sun.
q: is it expensive?
a: cheap unless you buy vintage clothes, then you’re a moron.
q: who would hate it here?
a: people who hate cold weather, rain, and people who also hate cold weather.
q: best time to visit?
a: winter, but only if you like mittens and existential dread.

here’s what locals say: genève’s buses are 50% late, but the nuns on them sell the best black tea. i heard that from a coffee snob who wasn’t allowed to have coffee. another person told me the metro graffiti is from someone who got drunk at a cathedral. i don’t know if that’s true, but it sounds like a good story.

the weather’s a mood here. 17.3°C feels like you’re sweating in a fridge, but then you step outside and it’s 83% humidity. it’s like the air is trying to kill you. some people say this makes the city ‘moody.’ i say it makes everything sticky. like my socks. and my vintage jeans. maybe this is how geneva expresses itself: through humidity and vintage clothes.

costs: hotels are €50-€100/night, which is okay. but if you want to look like a dork in vintage things, you’re paying €20-€50 for a hat that might not fit. food is cheap. a bagel with jam is €3. i heard a local said the best pizza is in a place called ‘café de la Gare,’ but i don’t know if that’s true. i ate at a place called ‘poutine & regret’ and it was fine.

who would hate it here? tourists who want to snap photos of charming cobblestones. also people who don’t like public transport. the metro is run by people who look like they’ve never left geneva. one time i asked a tourist where to take photos and they said ‘oh, the old train station.’ i said ‘is it open?’ they said ‘no.’ then they looked at me like i was stupid.

street art is weird here. some of it’s amazing, some of it looks like a toddler threw paint at a wall. there’s a place near the lake with a mural of a giant robot. i don’t know why. maybe geneva is scared of the future.

i liked the vintage shops. one near the lake had a guy selling 1970s flannel shirts. he didn’t speak english, but he nodded a lot. i bought one. it’s probably cursed.

safety: generally fine. i waved at a group of teens and they didn’t stab me. probably because i was too focused on my boots.

best time to visit? winter, but only if you want to look like a sad vampire. summer is 18-20°C, which is nice, but everyone is there. you’ll never get a bench.

someone told me the local cemetery is a good place for solitude. i didn’t go. i’m not that brave.

here’s more stuff

if you’re a vintage stuff person, bring comfortable shoes. do not wear anything pure white. the humidity ruins it.

i asked a bus driver where to find good coffee. he said ‘just follow the smell of desperation.’ i did that. i found a place called ‘café Milan’ and they had cappuccino that tasted like pipe tobacco. hilarious.

getting around: renting a bike is cheap, but the roads are narrow. one time i hit a pothole and my vintage hat got stuck in a tree. that hat is now in the immortal grave of fashion.

links

- tripadvisor.com/geneva
- yelp.com/geneva
- reddit.com/r/geneva
- vintage-geneva.com (made up but plausible)

map of geneva:

images:

p.s. if you come here, tell someone i warned them about the haunted vintage shops.