so i rolled into essaouira with my trusty french press and a superiority complex about moroccan coffee. the air here is thick with cumin and regret. the sky's this bleached-out blue that makes my eyes hurt, and the temp's a sweaty 24.38°c. feels like 24.36°c-close enough to make you wonder if the weather app is gaslighting you. humidity at 57%? more like 100% in my opinion.

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Q: Is this place worth visiting?
A: if you're into mediocre mint tea and overpriced argan oil, sure. but the real question is: can you handle being the only person in town who thinks the coffee tastes like burnt tires? probably not.

Q: Is it expensive?
A: yeah, everything's marked up for tourists. i paid 40 dirhams for a cappuccino that tasted like dishwater. the locals probably pay 5 dirhams for the same thing. capitalism.

Q: Who would hate it here?
A: anyone with a functioning sense of taste. this place is a nightmare for coffee snobs. also, people who hate the sun. you'll burn here.

Q: Best time to visit?
A: never. but if you have to, go in november. less tourists, more existential dread.

i've been drinking coffee for 15 years, and this is the worst i've ever had. and i've had coffee in airports.

listen. i'm not here to make friends. i'm here to judge the coffee scene in essaouira, and so far, it's not going well. the first cafe i hit up was called 'cafe de la mer,' which is a lie. the mer is probably 50 miles away, and the coffee? it's just coffee. like, generic, supermarket coffee. i asked for a single origin, and the barista looked at me like i'd grown a second head.

best insight: the coffee culture here is a complete farce. everyone's drinking the same bitter sludge, and nobody seems to care. a local told me that the 'specialty coffee' places are all run by expats who don't know what they're doing. he might be right.

the locals don't care about your pour-over. they've been drinking the same coffee for 200 years.

i heard from a guy at the souk that the best coffee in town is from a place called 'chez mohammed.' but i didn't trust him because he was trying to sell me a rug. still, i went. the coffee was okay. not great, but okay. it's like they roasted the beans over a fire made of old newspapers. maybe that's the secret.

cost breakdown: a cappuccino here costs 40 dirhams (about $4). in casablanca, it's 25. in rabat, it's 30. this place is overcharging for everything. the pressure is 1013 hPa, which is normal, but the humidity makes it feel like you're drinking coffee through a straw filled with sand.

best insight: essaouira is a tourist trap. the prices are inflated, the coffee is mediocre, and the vibe is all wrong. but the ocean is nice, and the sun sets pretty hard.

this place is a disaster for coffee snobs. but what do i know? i'm just here for the 'experience.'

someone told me that the best time to visit essaouira is in november, when the tourists thin out and the existential dread sets in. that sounds about right. the weather's perfect then-24°c, low humidity, and a gentle sense of disappointment.

best insight: if you're a coffee snob, avoid essaouira. if you're a tourist who likes being overcharged, go ahead. the real question is: can you handle the truth? probably not.

Essaouira Sunburn & Overpriced Coffee: A Coffee Snob's Rant

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