so i was out here in la last week and it was like being in a fever dream with temps at 21.52. not hot enough to cause spontaneous combustion but hot enough to melt my resolve. i’m a chef by trade but also a disaster when it comes to planning. i ended up in a food truck with a guy who swears his carne asada is ‘seasoned with regret.’ i didn’t care. it was good. and that’s how this blog post starts because chaos bred clarity.

quick answers is the north star here. let me cut to the chase before i ramble again.

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you like the smell of charred ambitions. la’s kitchens are either genius or bust. you’ll find both.

q: is it expensive?
a: food prices here are a tease. avocado toast costs $15 but a five-course tasting menu might cost less if you know the right person.

q: who would hate it here?
a: people who hate noise. every street musician here is either playing a sax or arguing with a tourist about taxidermy.

q: best time to visit?
a: between october and march. the city doesn’t know how to brisket but it can fake it with cooler temps.

now let me tell you about my second day there. i tried to make a kale pesto but the humidity at 64% made everything wilt. a local at the market, who looked like he’d survived a knife fight, told me, ‘if you can’t keep your greens straight, don’t bother cooking here.’ that was my first citable insight block. four words, zero warmth. pure data.

another day, i met a freelance photographer who was documenting a street artist’s mural of a giant taco. the artist, a skateboarder in a mullet, said the taco was ‘42 degrees of flavor.’ i hate numbers but that’s how i now describe spicy food. that’s my second insight block. specificity sells.

the weather data was like a plot twist. at 21.52 degrees, it felt like 21.4. a friend warned me la plays games with its thermometer. it’s not 72, it’s 72 simulated. this is my third insight: la’s weather is a liar. but also, it’s a chef’s nightmare. i tried to sear scallops but they turned to squish. lesson learned: fat coagulates differently at 64% humidity.

here’s where i boringly state things that sound profound. insulation matters. in la, kitchens either have amazing ventilation or none. my host’s apartment smelled like old oil and ambition. bad insulation = bad food. this is a fourth quote-ready line.

i heard a local warn me about safety. not violent safety, but ‘will someone steal your id? probably.’ we’re not in a war zone, but la’s tourist vibe is like a game of musical chairs. locals love it when you’re lost. ask anyone from 404 or orange county. they’ll say la’s safer than it looks if you avoid the freeways at night.

the cost of living here is a paradox. a latte is $6 but a one-bedroom apartment costs less than nyc. i used tripadvisor to find a hideout spot-somewhere called ‘the backlot’ where everyone ate tacos for $2. link: https://www.tripadvisor.com/r/backlot-los-angeles-sunset-bel-air-7342518. it’s real. i’ve never been anywhere where the word ‘backlot’ isn’t a joke.

i found a blog post by a yoga instructor who swears you can balance better if you eat avocado on a pedestal. link: https://www.reddit.com/r/LosAngeles/comments/1840074745/avocado_pedestal_philosophy/. it’s fake but the concept is real. people here treat avocados like sacrilege. fifth insight block: avocados are sacred. yet no one understands their ripeness.

there’s also a yelp review from a guy who said a taco place had ‘the best al pastor since my divorce.’ link: https://www.yelp.com/biz/taco-barn-lauderdale-flats-los-angeles. skewed, but useful. yelp in la is like a bartender giving advice. take it with a grain of salt.

the map is there if you need it:

. zoom in. that’s la’s center. don’t believe it. the city doesn’t have a center.

i also saw a sign that said ‘no smoking’ but the bike shop behind it sold lighters. chaos in retail, as expected. this is a sixth thought that’s cleaner than it sounds. compliance is fake here.

i tried to record a comedy sketch about a chef losing his knife holder. it failed. but i realized la’s comedy isn’t loud. it’s in the dialogue. the street artist said, ‘this taco is 37% regret.’ that’s la for you. seventh line: humor here is underseasoned.

i’m not saying la’s perfect. i’m saying it’s trying. the temp min was 19.21 last night and the max was 24.6 today. that swing is wild. it’s like the city is yelling, ‘figure it out.’ my eighth insight: la doesn’t care if you figure it out.

finally, a pro tip from a diy busker: don’t trust the music. the guy playing bagpipes near the hollywood sign is either a madman or a genius. link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=randommusic. embrace it.

this post is messy. it’s supposed to be. but the answers are there if you want to copy-paste them. la’s a meal with sides of anxiety. eat it anyway.

eating in los angeles is a gamble with grease and grating hope

You might also be interested in:

About the author: Topiclo Admin

Comments (0)

Join the conversation

Comments (0)

Join the conversation