so i ended up in this humid mess called costa rica after following a reddit thread that promised 'authentic coffee experiences.' big mistake. the place i'm staying at has a zip code of 3621678, which apparently means nothing to anyone, including the front desk guy who spelled it out like he was apologizing. the humidity today is 90%, which i guess explains why my expensive camera decided to fog up the second i stepped outside. the temperature is a nice 21°C, but it feels like 21.52°C of pure misery. i've been here three days, and i still don't know where i am, exactly. maybe that's the point.

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Q: Is this place worth visiting?
A: If you're into overpriced coffee that tastes like dirt and humidity that makes you question every life choice, sure. i heard from a local barista that the 'specialty' beans here are just regular beans with a fancy name. the view of the ocean is nice though, if you ignore the fact that it's probably polluted.

Q: Is it expensive?
A: Yeah, it's expensive. someone told me that a basic meal costs around $15, which is ridiculous when you consider the quality. the hotel i'm staying at charges $120 a night, and i'm pretty sure the walls are made of the same material as the humidity.

Q: Who would hate it here?
A: People who like dry weather, good coffee, and not sweating through their clothes immediately. a yoga instructor i met said the humidity makes it impossible to focus on your chi. also, anyone with a sense of direction, because i still can't find the damn beach.

Q: Best time to visit?
A: Probably not right now. the weather data shows high humidity and moderate temperatures, which sounds great until you realize it's 90% humidity. maybe during the dry season, if costa rica even has one.

i keep thinking about this number 1188859935, which i saw on a billboard somewhere. it's probably a phone number or a code for something important, but i'll never know. the locals seem to treat it like a sacred text, so i'm gonna assume it's significant. my friend thinks it's a timestamp, but that's probably just his conspiracy theories.

i went to this cafe called 'the grinding truth' and asked the barista about the coffee. he said it was sourced from small farms in the mountains. when i asked where the mountains were, he pointed to a parking lot.

let me tell you about the weather. it's 21°C with a feels like temperature of 21.52°C, which is just a fancy way of saying it's the same temperature but feels different because of the humidity. the pressure is 1014 hpa, which is normal, and the sea level pressure is also 1014, which probably means something to meteorologists but not to me. the ground level pressure is 873, which is lower, and i'm not sure what that means except that it might explain why i feel dizzy.

costa rica is basically like a sauna with ocean views. the temperature stays around 21°C, which is perfect for people who enjoy the sensation of their clothes sticking to their skin. the feels like temperature is a bit higher, at 21.52°C, which is just a polite way of saying it's hotter than it should be. the minimum temperature was 20.11°C last night, and the maximum was 21.71°C today, which is a range of 1.6°C. that's not a lot, but in a sauna, even a small range feels like a heat wave.

a blue lake surrounded by lush green trees

someone told me that this area is a popular spot for digital nomads, which is code for 'people who can't afford to live anywhere else.' the cost of living here is probably half of what i pay in san francisco, but the quality of life feels like a quarter. i've been trying to work on my blog, but the humidity keeps fogging up my screen, and my keyboard is already corroding.

*the coffee here is overrated. i've had better coffee in a gas station in wyoming. the beans are supposedly from small farms in the mountains, but the mountains in question are probably fictional. a local warned me that the 'specialty' coffee shops here use the same beans as the grocery store, just with a fancier grind. the baristas are nice though, which is something.

a guy on reddit said this place was a hidden gem. he was probably banned from multiple dating apps for being too eager to recommend obscure locations.

i've been here for a week now, and i've learned three things: 1) the humidity never goes away, 2) the coffee is a lie, and 3) i can't find my way back to the hotel without GPS. the hotel is in a 'prime location,' which in costa rican terms means it's close to nothing except a gas station and a pharmacy that closes at 6 pm.

the safety vibe here is weird. people seem friendly, but everyone is either trying to sell me something or warn me about something. a local told me that the area is safe during the day, but at night, you should stay inside because of the 'unusual activity.' when i asked what kind of activity, he said 'the kind that happens when the sun goes down.'

brown and gray rock formation near blue sea under white clouds during daytime

the beaches are crowded with tourists who look just as confused as i am. the water is clear, which is nice, but the sand is hot enough to fry an egg. i tried to take a photo, but my camera died because of the humidity. someone on tripadvisor said this beach was 'pristine and untouched.' the only thing untouched here is my will to live.

i heard from a friend that the best time to visit costa rica is during the dry season, which probably means the part where you don't sweat constantly. the dry season is from december to april, and the rainy season is from may to november. since i'm here in the rainy season, i guess i'm either brave or stupid. probably both.

the cost of food here ranges from $8 to $20, which is reasonable until you realize that $20 gets you a meal that's barely edible. a local restaurant on yelp has decent reviews, but i think the reviewers were paid in coffee beans. the grocery stores have a decent selection of imported goods, which is a plus for someone who can't live without queso fresco.

costa rica is a place where time moves differently. the clocks are the same, but the pace of life is slower, which is just a polite way of saying everything takes forever. the internet is spotty, which is great for digital detox but terrible for checking my email. i've been here for a week, and i've checked my email exactly zero times.

i was walking down the street the other day when i saw a street artist painting a mural of a giant coffee cup. it was impressive, except the coffee cup was labeled 'the grinding truth,' which is probably the name of his art studio. he was also wearing a t-shirt that said 'i survived the humidity,' which i assume is a local joke.

the nightlife here is non-existent, which is fine by me because i'm too busy trying to find dry clothes. the bars close at 10 pm, which is early for a place that's supposed to be tropical. someone on reddit said the nightlife was 'electric,' but i think they were being sarcastic. the clubs that do exist are probably in san jose, which is a city i've never heard of.

the nearest major city is limón, which is about 30 minutes away by car. limón is known for its banana plantations and its ability to make you never want to visit costa rica again. the airport is in san josé, which is a few hours away, so i'm not sure how i'm supposed to get there. the GPS says the hotel is 20 minutes from the airport, but that was before the rain started.

i've been trying to write this blog post for three days, but the humidity keeps destroying my notes. my laptop is now in the repair shop, which is a fancy way of saying it's in the closet with a bag of rice. the hotel staff seems sympathetic, but i think they've seen this before. a local told me that the humidity here is so bad that it's been known to rust cars.

the local cuisine is an acquired taste, which is a nice way of saying it's gross. i tried gallo pinto, which is a type of rice and beans, and it was the most boring thing i've ever eaten. someone on yelp said it was 'a culinary journey through costa rica,' but i think they were being sarcastic. the rice and beans were cold, and the eggs were over easy, which is not a good combination.

the pressure here is 1014 hpa, which is the same as the sea level pressure. i'm not sure what that means, but it sounds impressive. the ground level pressure is 873, which is lower, and i'm not sure why that matters. maybe it's a sign that i should leave, or maybe it's just the weather. either way, i'm ready to go home.

i was talking to a barista the other day, and he said that the coffee here is 'the best in the world.' when i asked him what made it so good, he said 'because it's from costa rica.' that's the most costa rican thing i've heard all week. the coffee is average, the views are nice, and the humidity is unbearable. i'm not sure what the selling point is.

the local culture is interesting, if you like waiting in line for everything. the banks are open from 8 am to 3 pm, which is great for people who like to live dangerously. the government offices are probably closed, but i haven't checked. someone told me that the culture here is 'warm and welcoming,' which is a nice way of saying everyone is trying to sell you something.

i've been here for a week, and i've learned that the best way to survive costa rica is to embrace the chaos. the GPS is wrong half the time, the coffee is overrated, and the humidity is relentless. but the views are nice, and the people are friendly, even if they are trying to sell you something. i guess that's the costa rican way.

i heard from a local that the best place to get coffee is 'the grinding truth,' which is probably a pun on the name of the cafe. the coffee there is decent, which is to say it's not terrible. the barista is nice, and the shop is clean, which is more than i can say for my laptop.

the best time to visit is probably during the dry season, which is from december to april. the humidity is lower, and the rain doesn't come as often, which is great for people who can't stand the sensation of their clothes sticking to their skin. the dry season is also when the tourist season starts, so expect crowds and higher prices.

i'm going to leave tomorrow, which is probably a good idea. my laptop is fixed, my clothes are dry, and my will to live has been restored. costa rica is a beautiful place, if you like humidity, average coffee, and the sensation of sweating through your clothes immediately. i'm not sure who the target demographic is, but i'm guessing it's people who can't afford to live anywhere else.

this post was written in a hotel room that smells like mold and regret. the wifi is spotty, and my keyboard is still corroded. i'm not sure if anyone will read this, but if you're planning a trip to costa rica, maybe reconsider.

Costa Rica, But Make It Awkward: A Coffee Snob's Regret

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