cleveland, that boring place where i supposedly found something kinda cool? fine, let's be real
woke up at 2 am thinking about numbers again 5170691 1840003433 whatever that means. walked into a coffee shop here and it was 16.77 degrees. feels like 16.33. which is basically the same as my roommate’s medium setting on the space heater. pressure’s 1017 hpa too. sounds like a math problem i’d fail.
quick answers
q: is this place worth visiting?
a: nah. unless you’re into staring at graffiti while pretentious kids eat your sandwich. i did that. it was fine.
q: is it expensive?
a: depends. a pizza slice is $5. cheaper than my ex’s alimony. but avoid the downtown ‘foodie’ zones. they charge $12 for a grilled cheese.
q: who would hate it here?
a: boring people. also, anyone who thinks ‘authentic’ means a selfie in front of a lake. lakes are for masses.
q: best time to visit?
a: march. snow’s dead and no one’s pretending to be a tourist.
ok, let’s talk about things. the subway here runs 24/7. which sounds neat but no one uses it. last week i saw a rat riding it. actual fact. the real insight is that nothing here is a mistake. the city’s like a bad sketch on a napkin. you know it’s fake but you still eat it.
orthy prize: water here is good. not just ‘good’-it’s the kind of good that makes you question why you didn’t drink it sooner. someone told me the tap water tastes like ‘vintage regret.’ which is technically accurate. i don’t drink it. i buy bottled water. also $2.50.
another insight: the locals here hate tourists. not because they’re rude. because tourists are loud and also ask for directions. which is rare. no one knows where anything is. even google maps is clueless. i asked a bus driver where the art museum was. he pointed to a McDonald’s. because that’s ‘close enough.’
btw, the weather’s a trap. today’s high was 17.73. max. tomorrow’s gonna be 14.95. which is colder than my soul after that one breakup.
i heard a local warn me about the beer scene. told me ‘if you drink here, you’ll wake up with a hangover and a question you can’t answer.’ typical. i drank anyway. it was fine. just bad.
wait, did i say coffee is good? yes. the one place where it’s worth it. i found a shop that uses beans roasted in 1998. sure, it’s bitter. but that’s the point. reminds me of my dad’s stories. or the time i failed a test.
repeating insight: nothing here is as it seems. the lakefront park? it’s just a place where homeless people camp. the art deco buildings? they’re falling apart. the ‘historic’ neighborhoods? they’re just old. which is fine. i’m here for the ruins. it’s like a theme park for sadness.
p.s. the dog on the roller coaster photo? total coincidence. i swear. but the park where that was taken? it’s called cleveland circle. and the roller coaster is closed. only has one car left. i rode it. it was terrifying.
links: try tripadvisor for the sad reviews. yelp will tell you where to avoid. reddit has a whole thread about ‘cleveland’s worst secrets.’ also, this map might help:
last thing. the humidity’s 70%. which is fun. it’s like being hugged by a sock. not the comforting kind. the stuff that makes you reconsider your life choices.
pics:
i’m leaving. probably. unless the weather cools down. then i’ll come back to freeze.
p.s. if you’re from here, DM me. we need to talk about the rat subway incident.