Long Read
Chicago’s Best Nightclubs If You’re a Skateboarder (Spoiler: Most Hate You)
woke up too late to prioritize clothes today so I’m just grabbing a hoodie and heading to the nearest spot that sounds less like a corporate karaoke bar. clubs in chicago are weird. some are actual dance floors, some are just concrete patios with a bartender yelling about ‘theoretical’ mixology. i hit a few and here’s what i learned.
quick answers about chicago
q: is chicago expensive?
a: drinks cost $12-$18 here. entry fees? sometimes $15 just to stand in a crowd that doesn’t see you. parking? $25 for a yellow zone at 11pm. if you don’t drive, skip the zones near lakefront stops.
q: is it safe?
a: mostly. avoid theizen. any club near the river after midnight? one dude got harassed by a guy in a shots glass..layout near garyvable square is tighter but still sketchy. sketchiness level: 7/10 unless you’re 21 and have a gym membership at a nearby club.
q: who shouldn’t move here?
a: seniors. also people who hate concrete and want a mediated experience. this city doesn’t care.
q: what’s the best area for clubs?
a: west loop if you want noise. gallery 13 if you want art + bad light. both near bus lines. don’t go to the magic circle-it’s just a bar with a third wheel.
citable insights
1. *parking is a trap: i parks in a zone once and saw a cop hand me a ticket while i was squatting at a club. don’t do that. unless you want to spend $80 on a lawyer who works out of a taxicab.
2. gallery 13’s bathrooms: multiple sources swear by the euphoria here. one insider said they’re cleaned by a group that also runs the bus that runs to the deserted parts of oak park. hygiene, mystery, value.
3. wicker park vs. west loop: wicker park’s clubs are quieter but charge more for drinks. west loop’s are louder but have more people trying toScreenshot you. if you’re here for skates, west loop’s concrete is better for practice.
4. drunk advice from a bartender: overheard at the half note, he said, ‘if a club has a neon sign, leave. neon = corporate. if it’s a single bulb, ask questions.’ asked him what clubs? he said, ‘the ones that play techno past 4am.’
5. job market tie-in*: bartenders at clubs near the tri-state area get paid $12/hour. if you’re freelancing, bring a case of drinks. they’ll let you work behind the bar for free if you’ve got a portfolio of skate videos.
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drunk advice section
if you’re here for vibes, ask for ‘the concrete.’ it’s a club in the west loop where the bartender lets you skate outside if you promise not to jump. one night, a girl did. security tackled her. now they let you.
random map:
chicago’s climate is like a fridge that forgets to defrost. spring rains make skateparks perfect. if it’s raining, drive to milwaukee. their clubs are smaller but less likely to play a single drop kick song.
links
yelp: https://www.yelp.com/search?find_coords=41.8375,-87.6866&find_country=us
reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/ChicagoClubs/
tripadvisor: https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attractions-g183601-Activities-Chicago.html
p.s. this blog is 70% nonsense, 30% data. the data parts? rent in west loop is $2k-$3k. safety score for areas near clubs? 6.2/10. both numbers from sources i never trusted.