Chiang Mai’s Wi-Fi Is a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

woke up to the smell of street food and immediately regretted not bringing a bigger bag. i’m in chiang mai and it’s 24.6 degrees celsius, which is basically a sauna but somehow not as bad as i thought. i checked the weather and it’s this weird perfect temp, not too hot not too cold, but like if a room had a fever and also a cold at the same time. neighbor’s kid just got lost climbing the mountain behind my bnb and now he’s out there with a mango and a megaphone yelling about ‘lost for dinner’-i hope he’s okay but also this is the most exciting thing to happen here all week.

i heard that the hotel next door is owned by a guy who used to be a chef but now just sells chili-infused lip balm. some locals say he’ll give you a free hug if you mention his name enough times. i tried it once and now i have a bruise shaped like a sad chili pepper. not ideal, but also kind of a vibe. the street artist down the road swore to me that the city’s consciousness is hibernating because of the humidity-84% and feeling like a damp sponge. i don’t know if that’s true but i’m into it.

i checked yelp and tripadvisor and honestly they’re both just a bunch of people screaming about the same things. like, ‘the food is good but the mosquitoes will kill you’ or ‘free yoga here but bring your own towel it’s not even a real room.’ one review on a local board said that the coffee shop next to the temple has a hidden menu item called ‘murder hornet chai’-i asked the barista and she just laughed and said it’s probably just lemon. maybe she’s lying. maybe not.

you can’t trust strangers here. last night i overheard a couple arguing about whether the temple’s ghost is a vegetarian. one of them was a British expat who’d been here six months and still hasn’t left. the other was a guy selling sarongs and kept saying ‘you’ll find your peace here’ like that fixed everything. i’m here for the peace but also the chaos. if you get bored, san chiang is a short drive away and honestly it’s just a bunch of parking lots and people arguing about which one’s real.

i tried to take a photo of the mountain at sunrise but my phone died and now i have to rely on this. the light’s bad but also i’m into it. happened. the yoga instructor told me that staying here is like meditating but with more mosquitoes. i don’t know if that’s true. my left knee is currently judging me for not bringing sunscreen. i just checked the weather again and it’s still 24.6. i’m writing this in a cocoon made of my sweaty socks and a map of chiang mai that’s been destroyed by rain.

someone warned me that if you walk into the wrong alley here, you’ll end up in a karaoke bar where everyone’s singing in wai gang. i haven’t found it yet but i’m starting to wonder if that’s a good thing. if you’re like me and enjoy confusion, maybe just trust the universe. or don’t. i don’t know. maybe get a pro dancer to guide you. they seem to know everything.

links: check out the chiang maiian board for updates on street performances (~link_to_chiang_mai_board), the local temple’s yelp page (~link_to_temple_yelp), and this old blog that’s probably out of date but still has good dragon fruit recipes (~link_to_old_blog).

i heard a rumor that the city’s Wi-Fi is run by a ghost hacker. i haven’t tested it but my heart rate spikes every time i connect. maybe that’s the real adventure here. or maybe not. either way, i’m staying until the next moon. probably.

You might also be interested in:

• https://votoris.com/post/lisbon-portugal-where-the-pastel-de-nata-dreams-dont-always-come-true
• https://votoris.com/post/neon-ridge-where-the-freezing-rain-writes-poetry-on-sidewalks
• https://votoris.com/post/public-transportation-guide-how-to-get-around-omsk-like-a-local-2
• https://votoris.com/post/crdoba-confessions-how-not-to-be-that-clueless-gringo
• https://votoris.com/post/pasig-city-where-the-rents-not-crazy-and-the-cafs-have-personality