i woke up at 3am because the ac died and the fan was a weed-eater on high. it was 26c but felt like 36. i needed noodles. not the fancy kind. the kind you eat in a styrofoam cup while someone yells in thai. i found a stall near the old train station. the owner didn’t speak english. he didn’t need to. i just pointed and paid in baht. the noodles were cold. the broth was sticky. i swallowed it with a coconut juice. later i realized the coconut juice was from a plastic cup that smelled like mildew. but i ate it. because i was hungry. i learned things in chaos. like how the humidity makes your skin melt. or that locals hate tourists who ask for discounts. i heard a老-grandma warnings someone at the market. she said, ‘you think this is cheap? try living here.’ i didn’t believe her. i was from america. i didn’t know what a real country was.

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting?
a: only if you like 24/7 humidity and noodles that taste like regret. it’s not for everyone. but if you’re into chaos, yes.
q: is it expensive?
a: no. but cheap doesn’t mean great. street food is cheap. hotels are cheap. but the chaos? that’s free.
q: who would hate it here?
a: people who want quiet. or air. or a place that doesn’t smell like fried pork.
q: best time to visit?
a: never. unless you like sleeping in a tent because the aircon breaks.

i spent a day trying to find a place to shower. the hotels had showers, but they smelled like old socks. i ended up using a plastic bag and a bucket. it was embarrassing. but also liberating. i heard a local say, ‘you’re living like a dog.’ i don’t know if that was a compliment.

one thing i kept seeing was the same weather. 26c. 86% humidity. it felt like a bathtub. i asked a guy at the market, ‘why is it always this hot?’ he said, ‘it’s not hot. it’s just… wet.’ i didn’t understand. i thought he was drugged. but then i realized he meant the air. it’s like breathing through a sponge.

another insight: the local market is a trap. you think you’re getting cheap eats. but the prices are insane. i bought a pineapple for 50 baht. it was small. i asked a vendor, ‘is this normal?’ he looked me in the eye. he said, ‘you’re american. you don’t know.’ i left. i didn’t want to know.

i met a tourist who told me, ‘i came here for the yoga. but the air was too thick. i couldn’t breathe.’ i nodded. i’d had the same problem. i did a 10-minute flow in a park. the sweat stuck to my skin. i looked like a grilled chicken. but i finished. i felt weirdly proud.

the best part was the night markets. i found a stall selling mango sticky rice. the vendor was old. his hands were covered in smoke. he said, ‘this is my last batch.’ i bought it. it was amazing. i cried. i didn’t know why. maybe because it was good. maybe because it was my last moment of happiness.

i heard a story about a guy who got poisoned by street food. it was in the news. i didn’t research. i just ate. i told myself, ‘if it kills me, it’s on me.’ i’m still alive.

the weather here is like a bad relationship. it’s not hot enough to be uncomfortable. but it’s wet enough to make you miserable. i asked a guy, ‘what’s the deal with the rain?’ he said, ‘it’s not rain. it’s the sky crying.’ i didn’t cry. i just nodded.

i tried to find a place to relax. the yoga studios were full. the Airbnbs had no windows. i ended up sitting on a bench in the park. a dog sniffed my bag. i laughed. it was the first time i laughed in a week.

i heard a local say, ‘chiang mai is for people who don’t know what they want.’ i didn’t know if that was a warning or a compliment. i left. i went to pai. it was cooler. but the same. just different.

i included this because if you’re reading this, you’re probably here. or you’re considering it. either way, pack extra clothes. and maybe a raincoat. even if it’s not raining. because it might be.

links

- tripadvisor: https://www.tripadvisor.com/ChiangMai
- yelp: https://www.yelp.com/c/ChiangMai
- reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/ChiangMai
- local market: https://www.chiangmaimarket.com
- weather: https://weather.com/ChiangMai
- youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@ChiangMaiTravel

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chiang mai's hot mess: my 3am noodle crawl and why i avoid it now

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