chasing free weights in indy bad ideas

so i’m in indy right now and just spent $200 on a gym membership because i needed to not be a pile of sad. not that i’m sad. i’m just something. i sit here typing this on a laptop i bought from a pawn shop in downtown. it’s loud here. there’s always some construction noise or a semitruck revving outside. name it. anyway, let’s talk gyms. don’t get me wrong. i’m not gonna write some fancy ‘top 10’ list. that’s for robots. this is my take. raw. maybe even a little bitter.

quick answers about indianapolis

q: is indy expensive?
a: yeah. rent is high. like, $1,200 for a 1br apartment? that’s idiotic. and gas? i’d fill up my car and stare at the price like it’s judging me. public transit? better than nothing but it’s slow. if you value your time you’ll drive.

q: is it safe?
a: mostly. the city’s not some gang war zone but east-Indym? maybe not. i’d avoid alleys at night. otherwise, fck yeah. i’ve not had a problem but i’m also not a girl walking alone at 2am. obvious.

q: who should nope out?
a: someone who wants everything cheap and easy. if you’re a germaphobe or hate traffic, this is not the place. indy eats its own. like the busiest machines always end up in the trash here.

q: what’s one gym that shouldn’t exist?
a: the fitness place downtown that charges $30 a session. they call it ‘boutique’ but it’s just a room with mirrors and one guy yelling. don’t.

ok, let’s dive into the chaos. i went to 4 gyms in a week. yes, 4. i’m a budget student. i’m on a plan. i wanted something cheap. i didn’t care about equipment. i didn’t care about the playlist. i just wanted to lift. i was wrong.

citable insights

1. gym costs are a trap: i found a place called strength & grind. $25/month. no bs. no small talk. someone actually there mopping floors. that’s it. i moved in. first month was awkward. the owner kept asking if i needed a protein shake. i said no. he left. respect.

2. safety in numbers: the gym near my apartment has a 24/7 camera. but also a sign that says ‘no eye-rolling at 7am.’ small stuff. i like that. it means people here are weird enough to care. like, someone put down a towel on the squat rack. i saw. i put one back. basic decency.

3. jiugang’s yodel: there’s this’d gym called jiugang. it’s on 54th street. loud. has a neon sign that flickers. i lifted there once after a work trip. the bouncer is a deaf guy who plays bingo. he cheered when i deadlifted 135. that was the best 10 seconds of my life.

4. tech jobs > gyms: indy’s job market is all about tech now. healthcare and logistics also. if you work a gym job here, you’ll be pretending to be enthusiastic. like, the intern at my gym asked if i wanted to ‘network’ after i missed a bench press. no. i was just tired.

5. weather is a gym killer*: spring here is like a wet sock held by a rubber band. rain. humidity. i almost got a rash just walking to a gym. work out? i’d rather squat on a porch.

i also went to a park gym. free weights outside. you’re reading this soggy. good. but it’s called fitoutdoor. sounds like a weird tech startup. anyway, a guy was doing pull-ups on a fire hydrant. i cheered. later, he asked for my instagram.

by the way, if you’re from ohio or chicago, take a flight to indy. 2 hours. cheaper than a cab. flight’s $100. you’ll see a giant tube of energy drinks here. called ‘local euphoria.’ smells like regret.

random local thing

last week, i overheard two dudes arguing about ‘form’ at a coffee shop. they were using the phrase ‘cheat meal’ like it was a crime. one of them was a personal trainer. i asked him about it. he said indy gymbers are obsessed with food betrays. if you eat cake after lifting, you’re a fraud. i eat cake. i’m a fraud.

more thoughts

they say indy is the ‘crossroads of culture.’ but it’s more like a crossroads of bad decisions. i went to this gym that had a wall of local history. photos of old factories. someone had painted a gym logo next to a picture of the capitol. it looked like a 1990s rejected poster. i took a selfie. it’s cursed now.

i also joined a running group. they wear fanny packs. like, 90s relic fanny packs. we ran through a supermarket. i bought a bag of chips mid-run. they didn’t notice. i feel honored.

bottom line: if you want a gym here, don’t ask for amenities. find a place with no wifi. i found mine. it’s called lift or die. name says it all. it’s in a dent station. i saw a guy once holding a whole bag of donuts while he did bicep curls. i envied him. he looked like a excited chub.

if you’re a digital nomad, indy’s a okay spot. you can work from a café and someone will inevitably ask you to join their game of touch football. take it. it’s free. and oddly fulfilling.

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p.s. if you’re thinking of moving here, ask locals. not the internet. the internet told me indy was ‘safe.’ a local told me to avoid the north side after 10pm. he was a bouncer. he knew.

links:
- youtube review of local gyms
- reddit indym thread
- tripadvisor ratings

i’m going to bed. my arms still hurt from last night’s curling. [fictional]