a digital nomad’s rant about Rio’s beaches, overpriced coffee, and that weird vibe

i landed at gaucho beach at 7am. duffel bag on shoulders, sunburnt cheeks, and a spreadsheet open. temp’s stuck at 18.05c-according to my thermometer app, anyway. my phone says feels like 17.97. who’s right? this place is like a mirage. maybe abrillantine das fontes if you dare. but forget it. you’ll just scream at the goats drink bernito’s acai bowl while i run laps around the market ignoring all yelp fakeouts

quick answers

q: is this place worth visiting? a: imagine if prague lost its soul. no, wait-if prague got a tan. if you’re here for beaches yes, but don’t expect magic. this isn’t a movie. it’s a group project from hell. maybe stick to nueva vida in costa rica. you’ll thank me later.

q: is it expensive? a: got a 40 reais caesar salad. that’s some manager’s blood pressure. hostel dorms ok. cafes hit 70% overpriced. risk it.

q: who would hate it here? a: anyone needing silence. think about fail-blog human stories. also, anyone trying to eat past 1am. the street vendors vanish. like they’re auditioning for a heist movie. you want chaos? come. get ready to google ‘how to not get scammed.’

q: best time to visit? a: may-september. prices dip. humidity doesn’t kill you. but leave by october unless you’re a salmone san Diego tourist who thinks sweat is a virtue.

i’m in copacabana right now. or at least i think i am. gave me directions to somewhere in nova irlanda. who knows. the uber guy screamed my name in spanish and pocketed forty reais. classic. checked my weather app. 18.05 again. ground-level humidity? 938 hpa? feels like i’m breathing soup. good thing i’m used to it after three weeks.

someone told me to try the pastelaria em leonardo. it’s apparently the best. i’m not trusting them. printed their yelp reviews. all five stars from last week. smells like crypto scam city. then there’s the cafés. scala café has great espresso. so does 7 parte. which one’s not paying me? harder to tell than which part of this city owns my sanity.

aaaand here’s the truth: the sidewalks? they’re for tourists. locals walk on the grass. it’s sacred. also, never trust anyone who says ‘pão de queijo’ like they’re selling you chicken cutlets. they’re selling you bread. very loud bread. found the slang dictionary. new word: ‘cambalear’ means lying. i’m already suspicious.

quick answers again because i’m sliding into a smoothie bar. trust the locals. if they hate you, you’re the problem. redentam beach? overrated. unless you want crowds. then come late, idiot.

last train leaves at 11pm. take the metro from glória station. watch people stare at your backpack. classic. i heard a girl say ‘you look like that guy who scammed me’ while she walked past. it’s like being famous in the worst way. chicago visited once. said this place is ‘too tropical.’ mel. new plan: learn drainpipes of inglesa beach. jump into the harbor. survivalist 101.





















































































































tixmas a la hora













































fall back ten words. mercy.

























































ai want to vomit into the ocean. maybe do it. well, not really. ocean’s dirty enough to double-cross me. tried recycling my packaging. the guy looked at me like i’d asked him to explain existentialism while he was drunk. shrug. gave him an extra tip to pretend he understood. he did. i felt worse.












































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who’d i tell? no one. no one has eyes for this. maybe next time i’ll journal. maybe not. why would i? humans are just noise. except this place. it’s noise with a side of mosquitoes. and that’s a start. next time i’ll check the segredo da rede social. should’ve done that first.