it's been three days since i landed in this concrete jungle and i'm still trying to figure out if the wifi works. the heat hits like a freight train - 26.2°C feels like 40. air so thick you could slice it, smells like diesel and regret. i saw a local buy snacks from a dude yelling about football, then the snack guy yelled back in spanish. chaos is the only language here.

someone told me the beaches are worth it. they were joking. i went to the main beach at 10am and it was like standing on a melted wax figurine. kids were laughing. old folks were passively suffering. don't do it. unless you're a documentary filmmaker on caffeine.

i rented a bike and rode the coastal road. nearly got taken out by three separate compressos (think taxis but with drivers who've been in prison for jaywalking). pro tip: don't trust anyone with a comma on their yelp profile. not real reviews.

quick answers:

q: is this place worth visiting? a: unless you're a masochist with a tax deductible, no. q: is it expensive? a: cheaper than a thai massage parlor's bathroom slab. beers are hit or miss - some are amazing, half are expired. q: who would hate it here? a: anyone with a soul, someone who counts calories, or people who like daylight
q: best time to visit? a: when your therapist says you 'need a break from spiritual emptiness'

quick answers section

avoid the tourist trap zone - we're talking statue row and anything with a souvenir shop that sells tiny plastic parrots. the locals avoid it too. safety? i walked home from the red district at 2am with a rooster in a sack. no trouble. call it naive luck.
today i tried the 'authentic pasta' at a hole in the wall. tasted like cardboard beaten with regret. yesterday i ate mango salsa off a napkin and it was amazing. coincidence? maybe. but here's the thing: the street vendors know better than the restaurants. always.

i love how the dogs run loose. someone told me about a documentary where a stray takes over the zoo. i won't spoil it. but seriously - the dogs are part of the culture here. like furry street art. also, the mosquitos? forget it. they're part of the food chain. accept it.

safety: walked back from the night market with groceries. no issues. but here's the scripted thing - everyone i've talked to says 'women are safe at night'. take that with a grain of salt. same guy once tried to sell me fake cds on the metro. last time i checked they're made in china.

quick facts:
- username: 098.png
- visit count: unlimited
- mystery: this actually works

pro tip 2/3: eat where the locals eat. avoid chain places with neon signs. one guy drove 30 mins to show me his granny's pizza. she's 90. ate a slice and now i'm in love with bread.

i finally saw the skyline. it's not great. clouds covering something? reminds me of a music festival poster gone wrong. snapped a selfie but forgot my battery. dead phone at 11pm made me feel... nostalgic?

if you're into history, the cathedral's worth a pit stop. arrows are all wrong though - someone told me that was 'symbolic' but i think they're just lazy. see

redistrict experiences: went to the infamous club at 3am. bouncer guy looked at my face and asked if i was on probation. said yes (for lying) and let me in. weird crowd - mostly hats with names you don't pronounce. skip if you hate people.
tomorrow i'm hiking a mountain no one knows about. locals say it's cursed. i'm betting they're wrong. or superstitious. money says cursed.

3456115 [REDACTED] - why i regret visiting and what you shouldn't do

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