tokyo’s 4-degree existential crisis and my soggy baguette

i just checked and it’s four degrees right now, which is like a frozen yogurt in a snowstorm. you’re not gonna believe what happened here, but i’m gonna tell you anyway. last night i tried to buy a baguette from a street vendor and it melted in my bag. not metaphorically. literally. the guy said it was ‘fresh from the oven’ but maybe he was just lying. or maybe tokyo’s weather is a conspiracy. who knows?

if you get bored, hokkaido is just a short drive away. i don’t mean to sound dramatic, but that place is basically a giant snow cone. you’d think a city that’s always hot would have some kind of climate control, but no. here it’s like someone stuffed a fridge full of ice and left it in the middle of the street. i heard that the locals call it ‘the polar vortex’ but i’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying ‘i’m dying.’

i saw a post on tripadvisor where someone posted a photo of a 4-degree sidewalk and wrote ‘i’m alive’ in cursive. another user replied with a meme of a penguin crying. that’s the internet for you. also, yelp says the nearest subway station is ‘unreliable’ and i’m like, okay, but why? is it haunted? did the mayor forget to pay the budget? i don’t know, but i’m not taking chances. i walked ten blocks. it was awkward. a lot of people were wearing beanies and looking at me like i was a ghost. or maybe they were just cold. who knows?

i heard that the coffee shop downtown is run by a guy who’s been there since 1992. he once told me that the coffee is ‘better if you believe in it.’ i don’t know if that’s true, but i tried it anyway. it tasted like regret and existential dread. or maybe it was just really strong. either way, i’m not blaming him. maybe he’s right. maybe i’m just a fraud.

someone told me that the train here runs on a schedule so erratic it’s like a toddler’s heartbeat. i saw a sign that said ‘next train in 12 minutes’ and then ten minutes later another train came. i almost missed it. i was so close to my own downfall. i also heard that the local bookstore has a section for vintage maps. i didn’t go, but i’m pretty sure it’s just a bunch of old paper and a guy who’s too scared to sell them.

i took a few photos of the weather. one of me trying to take a selfie in the snow, another of a sign that said ‘warning: ice’ in three languages. the last one was of a random guy outside a store wearing a hat made of pants. i don’t know his name. i don’t care. he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else.

here’s a map if you want to find this place:

it’s not a real location. i made it up. or maybe it’s real. who knows?

i also found some unsplash photos that might help you visualize this hell on earth.

these are just random ones. i didn’t even pick them. they just appeared. maybe they’re from a parallel universe. or maybe they’re from the future. either way, they’re here now.

i’m not sure if i’ll come back. the cold is winning. but if you’re here, maybe you’ll survive. maybe. i heard that the arcades are a good place to warm up. they sell hot ramen and also arcade games. i’m not sure which is better. i tried both. the ramen was okay. the games were amazing. i won a prize. it was a toy. i don’t know what it was. i forgot. see, that’s the thing. i can’t remember anything.

someone on a local forum said that the city has a hidden underground club. i don’t know if it’s true, but i’m gonna check. probably a waste of time. but hey, if i find it, i’ll tell you. maybe it’s just a myth. or maybe it’s a trap. either way, i’m not losing sleep over it. i’m already losing sleep because of the cold. or maybe it’s the coffee. who knows?

i just checked and it’s four degrees right now, which is still four degrees. i guess i’ll end here. if you’re reading this, thank you. or don’t. it’s not like you wanted this. i didn’t write this for anyone. i just wrote it because i had to. and because i was bored. and because i needed to vent. and because i think tokyo is a cruel place. or maybe i’m just a Crybaby. probably both.

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