osaka’s cold streets and my latest mess of a day

i woke up to the sound of rain and a neighbor’s cat howling at 3am. wasn’t sure if it was a bad omen or just the neighborhood’s way of saying ‘hello.’ either way, it set the tone for what’s probably gonna be a weird day. i just checked and it’s -5.99°c, which is like the inside of a freezer. hope you like that kind of thing.

walking through osaka feels like stepping into a painting someone forgot to finish. the streets are empty except for a guy in a neon poncho selling hot dogs that smell like regret. i passed a block with a giant robot statue that’s probably older than my grandma. someone told me that if you touch it, it’ll whisper your deepest secrets. i didn’t. probably.

the weather here is a mood. it’s not just cold-it’s existential. i tried to take a photo of the canal, but the water was so still it looked like someone had frozen time. i used 15 layers of scarves and still felt like i was walking through a snow globe. the humidity in the air is 48%, which is odd because i’m sweating like a sinner in a sauna. maybe it’s the ghost of a drunk taxi driver from last year haunting my pores.

i heard that osaka’s subway system is a cult. people bet on how many stops it takes to get to nowhere. i tried it once and ended up in a random museum that only sells postcards of itself. the staff whispered about a ‘cursed elevator’ that takes you to a different city every time. i didn’t test that. probably.

if you get bored, osaka’s history is just a ten-minute ride away. there’s this old temple where they let you ‘choose your destiny’ by rubbing a stone. i did, and now i have a vague urge to buy a used kimono. someone else told me that’s a bad omen. i don’t care. i’ve already committed to chaos.

the neighbors here are weird. one day, a woman was yelling in japanese about a squirrel stealing her rice bowl. another day, a man was playing a loud accordion outside my window at 2am. i don’t know if they’re artists or just really committed to their craft. either way, they’re part of the vibe.

i saw a review online that said osaka’s food is ‘meh’ but the atmosphere is ‘soul-crushing.’ another review claimed the city has a secret subway tunnel that leads to a hidden sushi bar. i’m not sure if that’s true. i heard that from a drunk guy at a convenience store who was also selling roll-up socks. i took his word for it. maybe.

i tried to find a place to eat and ended up at a yelp-reviewed ramen shop that was actually a former jail. the sign was in japanese and english, but the english part looked like it was written by someone who lost a bet. the ramen was okay, but the owner kept asking me if i wanted to ‘join the family.’ i said no. i think.

i Google-mapped my way to a local forum and found a thread about osaka’s noise levels. someone claimed the city has a ‘sound of shame’ that comes from the river at night. i didn’t believe it until i heard it-it’s like a thousand voices whispering in a language only otters understand.

here’s a map if you want to get lost:

i took a few photos. one of a sign that’s probably lying about its history, another of a tree growing through a sidewalk like it’s judging us, and a statue of a man made of concrete that’s somehow still smiling. the images are below:

i didn’t sleep well. the cold, the noise, the feeling that osaka is trying to tell me something. maybe it’s about leaving. maybe it’s about the cat. i’m not sure. but at least the coffee snob in me is happy. i found a little café that sells beans roasted in a factory that also makes machines for cutting hair. weird, but the coffee was good.

someone told me that osaka’s street art is illegal but also everywhere. i saw a mural of a cat in a suit holding a briefcase. i don’t know if it’s a metaphor or just a really trying time. either way, it’s art. and that’s something.

if you’re thinking of coming here, don’t. or do. i don’t know. i’m still figuring it out. the city doesn’t care. it’s just here, being osaka.

p.s. if you want to see more of my nonsense, check out my unverified theory about osaka’s secret pizza shaped like a bowl of rice. it’s probably true. probably.

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