mumbai’s a weird algorithm of chaos right now

woke up this morning to realize the weather app is lying. it says it’s 20.14°c, which sounds exact as hell. like someone measured it with a grad student’s ruler and then marketed it as a scientific fact. i checked twice. same number. same exactitude. hope you like that kind of thing. it’s not even raining but you could pretend it is if you wanted to. maybe the city does that too. i heard that the locals just let the humidity decide their feelings for the day. so far, it’s been neutral.

i asked a street vendor if the air was gonna clear up and he pointed at a hole in his shirt. i didn’t notice the hole at first. maybe i’m just a sucker for storytelling. anyway, he said ‘not tonight, friend’ and then sold me a tamarind ball that tasted like regret. cheap price. okay, maybe expensive. but regret is a premium flavor here.

if you get bored, aar Paar is a short drive away. people there think mumbai’s too intense. i don’t know if that’s true or if they’re just traumatized by the subway. the subway is a mystery. i saw a guy get off at 3 am with a single rose in his coat. no one asked. no one cared. probably the same guys who make the almond cookies at puffy’s. i heard that puffy’s got a secret menu. someone told me that. i didn’t believe them until i tried the garlic naan. it was like a dare.

the neighbors are either silent or playing marathi music at 2 a.m. i checked. the neighbor’s dog barks at something every time there’s a phone call. i think it’s the tone. i tried calling someone last night and the dog started a full-on howl. it was wild. the dog’s name is probably destiny. or at least a very dramatic dog.

i overheard two girls talking about the local café. one said it’s overpriced, the other swore the almond milk latte is a life achievement. they were both wearing y2k jeans. i went there. it was okay. the barista asked for my name and then forgot to write it down. classic. i hope you like disappointment.

i took a selfie at the old fort and the lighting was terrible. my face looked like a bad screensaver. i posted it anyway. if you check my insta, you’ll see a story where i’m holding a tanned coconut like it’s a sacred relic. folks said i looked like a tourist who forgot to check their bags. i might have.

link to a tripadvisor review of a mumbai hostel: https://www.tripadvisor.com/hotel/review
link to yelp for a local café: https://www.yelp.com/biz
link to a forum thread about street food: https://www.localforums.com/mumbai-food-buzz

the metro here is like a time capsule. i pressed a button and a photo of me from 2019 popped up for a sec. maybe it’s a glitch. maybe it’s the city. either way, i kept pressing. sometimes it showed me as a baby. sometimes as a marathi politician. probably both.

i tried to find a coffee shop that didn’t smell like burnt oil. failed. every place either tastes like espresso or has this weird burnt sugar vibe. i’m starting to think mumbai’s coffee culture is a conspiracy. like, they’re all sabotaging us. or maybe they’re just professional.

i heard that if you walk enough, the city will start speaking to you. i walked past a wall of graffiti that said ‘you are the problem’ and ‘you are the solution.’ i didn’t believe it until i saw a kid drawing the same phrases on his notebook. maybe we’re all just confused. or maybe the city’s just trying to tell us something.

ps: if you come here, don’t trust anyone with a brass keychain. they’ll either try to sell you a fake jewel or a story about ‘the old man who lives in the sewer.’ i heard that too.

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