Kolkata’s Photographer Lament: Why My Lens Keeps Blinking at 28°C

so i figured i’d just plop a blanket over my camera and see if the light would do anything interesting today. turns out the midday sun in kolkata is like a judge at a secretary’s job interview-bright, unsympathetic, and slightly evil. i just checked the thermometer app on my phone and it’s 28.51 right now, which is fine. i’m fine. the humidity’s messing with my skin, my patience, and the way my lens focuses. god help anyone trying to take a portrait here.

i snapped a photo of the sun last week. it looked like a cheese grater. someone told me that. a drunk guy at a kebab shop. he was yelling about how kolkata’s weather hates photographers. i didn’t believe him at first. then i tried to capture a street vendor’s face and my camera started autofocusing on his greasy fingers instead of his eyes. that’s when i knew. this town is a conspiracy. or maybe it’s just 28.51 degrees celsius and a lack of patience.

"the market’s got a new vendor selling ‘mysterious’ mango chutney. don’t buy it, dude. it’s just pickled regret,"

someone at the bus station warned me about the art supply shop on james street. apparently, it’s a front for people who sell fake tax invoices. i didn’t believe it until i saw a guy there handing out yellow sticky notes labeled ‘undo your life.’ that’s not art. that’s a warning label.

"if you’re tired, the colaba underpass is where the real art happens. but bring salt for the sweat,"

i tried to get creative with angles. mounted my camera on a tripod near the river. the water was reflecting everything. including my tired face. i heard that thelocal folks think photographers here are either tourists or people who want to steal their recipes. i’m not sure which. but the river was nice. not in a ‘nice’ way. in a ‘i’m gonna take this home with me’ way. i failed at that. the photos just look like i left them in a sauna.

"tip: if you want good light, go to the mausoleums at sunrise. but don’t tell anyone. they’ll hike your prices,"

neighbors? the old couple next door keeps playing that same bollywood song on loop. it’s 3 am now. theirkeer entre will probably wake up. i heard that. from the window. they have a playlist called ‘sweat through marriage.’ tragic. but somehow in key with the weather’s 31% humidity. the sweat rolls off me slower than their playlist loops.
i went to the mall today. the aircon was icy. the vendors were selling ‘mangosteen candies’ that looked like plastic. i bought one. it tasted like regret and a hint of wasabi. someone told me that. a woman with a fan made of spiderwebs. she called it ’the local experience.’ i felt seen.

"if you’re lucky, the street artists will trade you a sketch for a cold drink. but don’t pay more than 50rs,"

i posted some of my worst photos to a tripadvisor forum. got a response in 12 minutes. it read: ‘you’re from kolkata, right? your shots look like they were taken during a cult ritual. i’m not judging.’ appreciated. i checked the yelp page for my favorite coffee shop. someone left a review saying the barista almost gave them a mirror instead of coffee. that’s kolkata. we embrace the surreal.

"pro tip: leave your phone at the hostel. the public wifi here is a virus. i lost three hours to a meme about koalas in monsoons,"

i found an unsplash image of a kolkata street at dusk. the lights are all on in the houses. it’s like the city’s holding its breath.

then i found another. a vendor selling live turtles in a bag. no idea if it’s real. probably not.

and a third. a man in a yellow kurta holding a umbrella like it’s a sword.

maybe i’ll try monsoon photography next year. the weather’s too hot now. i need a story about something that doesn’t involve 28.51 celsius. or maybe i can write about the time my camera got soaked by a sudden shower. but that’s a different post. one where i whisper to the rain, ‘please be gentle.’ and it laughs. that’s probably kolkata. it laughs at everything.

if you ask the locals, they’ll say kolkata’s vibe is a mix of chaos and calm. but i think they’re lying. they’re all just avoiding the 3pm heat. unless you’re a yoga instructor. or a ghost hunter. i heard that. from a guy in a t-shirt that said ’haunted. not responsible for my existential dread.’

lots of reviews here are just people giving up. ‘i came for the food. left for the humidity.’ ‘the taj mahal was overrated anyway.’ that’s kolkata. it makes you forget why you came. but then you see a child flying a kite in the rain and suddenly you’re here. except you’re not. because it’s still 28.51 degrees.

the end. or is it? i don’t know. i need to edit these photos. or maybe just dry them out in a rice bag. like magic. but that sounds too easy. maybe it’s kolkata’s way of saying ‘stay weird.’

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