jakarta’s heatwave life and the mysterious street kfc that appeared last week
i woke up to a ceiling fan spinning so slow it looked like it was judging my life choices. the air here doesn’t just feel humid it’s packing a whole mug of sweat in every square meter. i just checked and it’s 31 degrees right now, hope you like that kind of thing. like honestly don’t even ask about the future because this heat is the future now.
last night i saw this kfc truck parked outside a crumbling batik shop and honestly i don’t know if i should be grateful or scared. the lady who runs the shop said it’s there because the chef’s son got lost and started selling nuggets to pigeons. i’m 70% sure this is a urban legend but i’m also sitting in a j_property with a fan that costs $5 and a bottle of water that’s seen better decades. so if anyone knows why there’s a kfc in a neighborhood that can’t agree on if malls are still a thing please tweet me. or don’t. i’m fine with either.
the neighbors last week had this long debate about whether the jumbie legends are real or if it’s just the humidity playing tricks. someone told me that the old factory buildings here are said to hum at 3am if you press your ear to the walls. i didn’t believe them until my phone started autoplaying javanese folk music at 2:47am. maybe it’s just the heat messing with my head but i’m not arguing. if you get bored, andong is just a short drive away. i heard that from a drunk guy selling tuba noodles at 2am. he was muttering something about ‘regency vibes’ and then fell over. genius.
i keep seeing reviews online about this place being ‘authentic’ but also ‘run by a cult member who screams about coconuts.’ some locals swear that if you order the fried chicken right at sunrise they’ll give you a free sarong. others say that’s just a myth started by a guy who once got sued for trashing a stove. either way the menu here is 50% mystery meat and 50% curiosity. i tried the chicken satay last night and it was either a masterpiece or a crime against humanity. maybe both. i’m leaving a 3-star on yelp because honesty is my thing and also i don’t want to ruin anyone’s business.
the weather today is like being stuck in a sauna that never closes. i just walked past a street vendor selling rambutan and he was blasting AC from a generator. it cost him 10k per hour. i asked him why and he just said ‘because my soul is cold.’ i didn’t press it. maybe he’s right. maybe the heat is trying to peel off our humanity one layer at a time.
someone warned me that the tuk-tuks here are now drivers and not passengers. i think they might be right. last weekend i hired one to take me to the beach and the guy kept speeding past onsoko beach like it was a traffic violation. i asked him why and he just yelled ‘i’m late for a date with a woman who owns a pet python.’ i didn’t ask more. if you want to rage about this, check the tripadvisor thread where people are arguing if the python lady is real or just a very committed roleplayer. the link is probably buried but i’ll blind you to it if you ask nicely: https://tripadvisor.com
i took a photo of the ocean from a hill last night. it looked like it was painted by someone who hates color. the water was that gray-green and the sky was melting. i posted it to unsplash but it got low views. maybe the algorithm hates honesty. here’s the link to the photo:
i’m sitting here typing this in a café that smells like century-old musk. the owner is a man who once tried to tell me that the javanese coffee is ‘the same as sadness but in a cup.’ i ordered a powdered mocha just to see if he’d clarify. he didn’t. he just handed me the cup and said ‘it’s like existential dread but cheaper.’ acceptable life stuff.
taking a walk through the market today and almost bought a dress made of recycled tire treads. the woman said it’s ‘vegan’ and ‘sustainable.’ i asked if it was comfortable and she gasped like i’d asked if she’d committed a crime. i left without buying it. now i’m wondering if i missed something mystical or if she was just traumatized by my questions. maybe both.
if you’re here looking for ghosts or redemption or just a decent wifi connection you’re in the right place. the technically ‘good’ parts of jakarta are 90% tourist traps with overpriced artisanal dalda. the bad parts are where the real stories are. i heard that the poorest district here has a tree that blooms once a year and people claim it grants wishes. no one has proven it but i’m keeping my fingers crossed. maybe this post is just my excuse to wander closer.
here’s another photo of a boat floating weirdly on water. it looked like it was crying. or maybe it was just foggy. i don’t know.
i posted this to a yelp forum: https://yelp.com. got zero responses. maybe they’re all in a different dimension.
i think i’ll end here by thanking the heat for making me sweat so much. it’s ironic because i’m writing this on a keyboard that’s barely attached to the desk by a single wire. everything here is a loose thread. you know what? i’m gonna buy that tire dress tomorrow. it’s 1am and i need a story for tomorrow’s post. maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. or maybe i’m just bored and this city won’t stop giving me plot twists.
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