goa’s heatwave and my questionable life choices

i woke up this morning thinking i’d finally found the perfect spot to chill, but the reality was way more chaotic than i expected. the sun was out, hot, and judging everything. i checked and it’s 34 degrees right now, hope you like that kind of thing. my aircon unit died last night, so i’m sweating through this band tee like it’s 1999. which is weird because i bought it last week in london. anyway, the neighbors are doing their usual thing-playing mariachi on a roto-tiller in the communal courtyard. who am i to complain? they pay their rent in cumin.

so here’s what happened: i wandered into a market called ‘the spice maze’ because the google maps pinged it as ‘local vendor panic zone.’ turns out, it’s just a bunch of old guys selling turmeric and pretending they’re not traumatized by the 2005 monsoon. i met this guy who said, ‘bless your heart, tourist, but that beach is overrated. the real vibe’s in the alley where the ghost of a prince sells biryani by the bucket.’ i don’t know if that’s true, but i took the risk. he gave me a free samosa. i now smell like cardamom and regret.

someone told me that the ‘best beach in goa’ is a 45-minute drive away. i didn’t ask how they know, just nodded and asked where to find the nearest café. then i heard that the place is actually closed because the owner ’s parents got divorced. i felt seen. i also overheard that the western lips lighthouse is haunted. not by ghosts, but by a toddler who keeps getting stuck in the gears. example of chaotic local lore, right?

a woman balancing on a skateboard in a parking lot

i asked a local if they’d recommend the street food cart at midnight. he said, ‘only if you wanna taste regret.’ i told him i was already regretting coming here. turns out, the reviews on tripadvisor agree. one said, ‘ Served cold, smelled like disappointment.’ another claimed the generator there broke during a hurricane. meanwhile, yelp has a 5-star review for the same spot titled, ‘Best thing i’ve ever eaten. Definitely authentic.’ i don’t know which one to believe. i’m a touristing session drummer, not a scientist.

here’s a pro tip: don’t trust the guy selling mango smoothies near the bus station. i drank three and now i’m convinced i’ve joined the town’s annual mango fruitcake cult. people say it’s delicious. i say i’ve lost my taste for anything but pureed fruit. also, the humidity is 24%? that feels low for goa. i checked again. yep. must be some kind of mirage or a conspiracy.

if you get bored, the nearest town is just a short drive away. i tried to drive but my rental scooter died on me twice. i ended up walking. they say the path is haunted by a guy in a banana costume. i don’t know if that’s true, but i screamed at a banana tree and it threw a fruit on me. maybe he was offended.

reviews are like gossip here. last night, i overheard a taxi driver telling his wife that the new beach club is booked for weeks. then he added, ‘and the owner’s ainz. alphanumeric energy, maybe.’ i don’t know what that means. i asked a yoga instructor if the area was safe for solo travelers. she said, ‘only if you sign a pact with the wind. i did that once. it worked.’ i didn’t. i got lost for three hours.

i’m not sure if goa is worth it. i left with a soaked head, a sunburn, and a new playlist of goat sounds. but whatever. next stop, maybe kerala. if you want local wisdom, ask a street artist. they’ll tell you the real stories. something about a bridge that collapses at 3 am. i’m adding that to my bucket list.

p.s. if you need a place to stay, check out the reviews on yelp. one of them says, ‘the ocean here is free, but the doubts about your life choices are not.’ link: goa restaurants | goa yelp | local boards

goa’s heatwave and my questionable life choices

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About the author: Freya Holm

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