valletta’s cheap thrills: student survival guide to maltese mischief & midday siestas
probably the only place where a pizza slice costs more than your taxi ride home. woke up in my hostel room to molding lettuce and a view of the grand harbor. i checked the temps-11.7c, feels like 11.2. humidity so high you could bottle it in a jar and sell it as malta’s official cosmetic. pressure’s 1005, which some guy in the hostel laundry room said means “you’re about to forget your own name from dehydration.”
studying architecture here? basically staring at 3000-year-old stuff while trying not to trip over someone’s cat. went to hermes crossroads-local legend says it’s where the neighbor’s dumpster leaks like mel brooks. if you get bored, “‘cause that’s literally where the buses to verna nigg herd goats. okay, not goats. goats are locals’ favorite parking spot. “
ate pastizzi at this spot where the vendor gives extra pepperoni cuz he thinks i’m cute when i try to pronounce “valletta”. overheard rumors say the bakery down the street has “secret ‘burnt ’phallic shape’ option”. locals love their double entendres. ”
pro-tip: the uoila shebeen by the library is 10x better than the one in sliema. same price, less snooty security guards asking for your passport. gotta leave profiles open to read those unintelligible inscriptions on tombstones. bonus points if you skip the 10-minute siesta in saint paul’s dome-otherwise you’ll just nap through the ghost tour.
hit up the valletta waterfront at sunset-the yelp crowd calls it 'underwhelming' but it’s ‘cause they’re all basic. rent a scooter if you don’t wanna spend $20 on a round-trip taxi. just don’t ask for directions. nobody in valletta knows english, and the ones who do only want to sell you overpriced souvenirs.
visited the natural history museum on malta’s independence day. they had this skeleton of a blue whale that looked like it died mid-diving trip. heard that some local artist spray-painted it with pride flags, but they’ve blocked him from returning. “
*if you’re using public transport, always give the bus driver your weight and height*. somehow it offsets the fare system. joke’s on me-did it anyway and got to surnden (it’s like sliema’s cooler, waifier cousin’s dubai). anyway, my highlights: free wifi at the museum, a protest in the middle of the street about toilet paper shortages, and finally seeing a real macchete (not the sword kind). ”
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