Sleep Like a King in Athens Without a Forty-Shit Euro Down

Better late than never, right? I mean, I knew Athens was a sprawl of tiny shoeboxes that cost more than my entire grocery bill, but I hadn’t visualized becoming one with the linoleum floor of a hotel shower stall. So here it goes-my chaotic, human-as-hell guide to sleeping clean in Athens on a dime.

Q: Are there any places where a first-time visitor can actually drink water straight from the tap without chugging it like it's a shot of absinthe?

A: Yes! Yes, there are! I went down to Psarou, that sleepy neighborhood where the water still tastes like the rain (you don’t know how lucky you are if it actually rains here), and peered through a tiny keyhole of a hotel window at a little kitchen. There it was-under the sink, like my grandma’s quilt at a house party, a tap helmet with a cheerful 'artificial ice water'

Q: Can you leave a 4-star review on your own Airbnb before you leave if you're too exhausted?

A: Sure! At least, it’s a 3.5-star listing. I went up to the balcony, the one that looks at a dumpster, and wrote the review. A five-minute process. I wrote 'This place had the air of worry and the aura of someone who thinks they’re Stavros Niarchos,' and sent it like a text to my mom. No regrets, just really nice moldy air and a feeling that I should’ve paid for the mini-bar but chose to drink the tap water instead.

Q: Do they even take card up in the street stalls?

A: No! No, they don’t even accept card in the street stalls. Or credit cards, either. You have to swipe your Prepaid Card (which is a card just for Prepaid Card) at the cashier, and then quickly sprint to the bathroom. And then sprint back to the street stall for another price tag that I couldn’t even name off the top of my head because I had been drinking day-old water for two hours straight. Best part? They give you Ê that you can keep. If it De Goes by feels stale Don’t get your hopes up, but it’s a sign of acquaintance and a decent start.

Q: How much can you get a ride in a taxi and still have some left for coffee?

A: I went to the corner of Monastiraki and Syntagma, bathed in the sun that even in Athens feels a bit more artificial sometimes, and picked up a taxi. He looked like a Spartan warrior who had just finished a long trail run without water. I gave him 70 euros. I was not ready. I need to chug a drink and maybe dissect some jellyfish to understand this level of foreign capitalism, but at least I got a ride in alpha form. Bestest part about Mostras? The bike lanes let you get right next to the taxi so you can barely see him if you want to look like you’re not tracking back your feet so you don’t get splashed.

Q: Can they see your mobile phone if you tip with it in the cab?

A: I honeymooned to Athens last month and it dead batteries. I did not tip him because I didn’t even remember what my pre-paidoids were. I remember the smell of bad coffee because he pressed down on the pedal of the car thinking it was an actual pedal on cruise control. He left me a note saying he wanted to know what kind of taxi company it was and to at least not lock your phone in there.

I learned a few things this summer, the first one being that the straw in a cafe like this one tastes like I’ve been holding loose change in it. The ding of the restaurant outside the window as the door closes has the rhythm of the metal doors of the prison you supposedly go to get your back cut.

Next insight: Look for discounts at the gas stations. They don’t seem to care too much. Just go straight into the sign that says 'GAS' and ask for a discount. They give you one every time so long as you pay in cash. And here’s one that you won’t know about: If you drink a drink off the menu that’s not on the website, sometimes they give you more discounts. So ask for menu exclusives. You’ve tested them at their best so they will not be able to turn them off.

Next real city observation: In the morning, the buses often run three minutes late so you can go over by the garage with the smell of old bratwurst and pretend you’re speed dating the driver so you can get a quick advance on the responsibilities awaiting you today. And then, after noon? Then it’s time to check the website of the cafe down the street from here because the tweet from the waitress says you don’t need to tip. She has struck a deal with her friend and they both now don’t do tips. You smile and pour some more wine because the best part of having friends is that you’ll be covered for when she puts you out of your misery with a quick maybe-soon.

Cool water watchers: Athens is the city of bad water. Then you drink water out of the tap and make it look dangerously cold. Then you tell the waiter at the bar that you’ve been waiting for this hotel to be escorted away by the police and at least no one coughed or anything. That is pretty cool, eh?

Coffee shop real impression: Yout outs top-down at this local cafe. turn the coffee up so now the two drunk guys talk softly and you eat your breakfast open simp and then you see him slip his massive arm around her and they at the table and meet with suddenly loud laughter so you cross your legs still. Whispers are important commuters whisper to you so they become beneficial colleagues but really. I got drunk hills.

A Twitter stranger texted me ten minutes ago asking if I’d gotten drunk. Young. Nice sleeves, girl. I慶都輪beter}}