neon nights in neotokyo: a digital nomad’s half-baked ode to chaos

so i woke up to this weird hum of the city and immediately knew i was doing something wrong. like why does the airport hotel vending machine sell expired instant ramen? i ate it anyway because i’m a disaster. i just checked and it’s 23.9 degrees, which is basically a confusing in-between where you’re sweating but also wondering if the ac is on a different planet. the weather here is like a mood swing that never ends. i swear the fog rolls in and whispers secrets to the nearest alley cat.

my roommate, who i’ve only seen once and only to hand them a Yin Yang sticker i found in a trash can, told me that the locals call this place ‘the digital dump.’ i didn’t believe them until i saw a guy in a neon tracksuit selling counterfeit airpods near a street food stall that closed at 2am. if you ask him for directions to the nearest library he’ll point you to a giant billboard for a karaoke bar. and if you get bored, the nearby hills are a short drive and way better than this concrete nightmare.

i heard that the subway here is haunted. specifically the 3 line. i didn’t believe it until i passed a man in a top hat whispering to a pac-man statue. he was selling glow sticks for 50 yen each. i bought three. they’re dim. probably because he’s lying.

someone told me that the art scene here is a mess. like, literally. i wandered into a gallery that was just a room full of crumpled paper airplanes and a man crying into a cup of lukewarm coffee. the sign said ‘experimental emotions.’ i’m not sure if that’s a metaphor or just bad programming. i also saw a youtube comment from a local saying the best thing to do here is hide in a mall and pretend you’re a tourist. i did that for three hours. the food court had a guy making sushi out of a toaster. it was grotesque. i ate it.

i mentioned the weather to a neighbor who was selling bubble tea from a cart. she said, ‘it’s like the city forgot to decide if it’s summer or winter.’ i’m not sure if that’s poetic or just her way of saying she’s stuck in a time loop. the humidity is 62%, which is weird because i thought it was supposed to be dry. maybe it’s a trap.

i saw a review on a local forum that said the best way to find real food is to ask a street performer. i asked a guy dancing to a beatbox tape about the best pho in the city. he handed me a flyer for a place called ‘No Paws No Problem’ and said, ‘they don’tjudge your life choices.’ i went there and they gave me a bowl of rice and a sad face. i left.

i’m posting this from a coffee shop that charges $10 for a drink made with mystery beans. i asked why and the barista said, ‘we’re a cult. but the beans are organic.’ i didn’t ask for proof. i just paid and left. the map below is probably wrong. i used it to find a place called ‘The Lost Server’ and it led me to a warehouse with a guy selling vintage floppy disks.



i took three photos this morning. one of a cat staring at a digital billboard, one of a neon sign that said ‘sell your soul for 10% off,’ and one of me trying to eat a spoon of what i think was chocolate but was probably motor oil. here they are:

i told a friend about this place and they said, ‘that sounds like a awesomesauce disaster.’ i don’t know what that means. i think it’s a bad pun. i also LinkedIn-ed a local artist who said they’re ‘curating a mural of your chaos next week.’ i told them i’m not a project.

if you’re here, you’re probably lost. or maybe you’re here to lose a part of yourself. either way, the city will take it. just don’t trust the guy in the top hat. he’s probably a spy. or a ghost. or both.

i’m linking to a few places if you wanna follow my chaos:
- https://tripadvisor.com/neotokyo-reviews (someone said the best hotel is a buncha shipping containers)
- https://yelp.com/neotokyo-food (a review said the sushi was made of regret)
- https://neotokyo-localboards.com (a thread about the phantom metro line)
- https://unsplash.com/neotokyo (for more photos of my spoon).

the weather here is like a bad dream. the neighbors are like a bad dream. the reviews are like a bad dream. but hey, at least the coffee is strong. or maybe it’s just hot. i can’t tell. i just know i’m not leaving yet.

p.s. if you see a man in a tracksuit selling airpods, tell him i said hi. he owed me a sticker.

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