cebu: the city that made me question everything (including where i left my socks)

i woke up knowing nothing except that my laptop was dead and the streetlights were on. somehow, i found myself wandering the old city center of cebu with a map that looked like a napkin my cousin drew in third grade. the air smelled like wet concrete and street food, which is honestly the best combo. i just checked and it’s this soup of a vibe, like if a sauna and a beach had a baby. not sure if that’s normal, but here we are.

neighbors? if you’re here for a full day, the islands are a 20-minute drive, and i swear one of them is basically a giant glowing turtle. someone told me the street food here is decent, but don’t listen to them. i ate at a place that said it had the best calamansi and got seaweed instead. i didn’t tell them about the seaweed. still, i’d say it’s a win.

i pulled up to this spot called miabuhay condominiums because the sign was half-chewed by a demon. the place was this weird mix of chaos-old cars parked diagonally, guys in flip-flops yelling something about ‘rabon tinipyak,’ and a girl doing poetry in tagalog that sounded like madonna in a taco truck. i got coffee from a place with a line that moved at the speed of regret. the barista said, ‘this is the third time this week someone said this coffee tastes like old tires.’ i asked why and she winked and said, ‘it’s authentic.’

here’s a thing-if you get bored, cebu city is just a short drive away. i heard that rumor from a guy selling trinkets in a market. the one about the ‘hidden ruins’? don’t believe it. i asked a local and he handed me a flyer for a yoga class that ended with him running out of the room screaming. i’ve never regretted ignoring that.

the weather? i just checked and it’s 26.42, which sounds like a number from a math problem no one cares about. feels like 26.42, obviously. don’t ask. sun was out for like 10 minutes, then rain ghosts came for the rest. tourists were either sunbathing on concrete or crying into iced horchata. i did both.

here’s the place we were:


this image? not great. but it’s here to remind you that cebu is not what you expect. next one: a local market with fish tanks and old ladies haggling. someone told me the haggling is real. i asked about prices and they just threw stones at me. third image: a jeepney full of people singing karaoke. probably not a safe choice for a first-time visitor, but hey, what’s life without a little danger?

someone whispered that the best time to visit is when the trasladas (those old jeeps) start failing. i didn’t verify it. i just took their word for it and got lost. twice. once, i followed a group of people holding flashlights and they led me to a seafood restaurant that smelled like regret. i ordered the fish. it was okay.

i heard that cebu has a festival where they dress up as demons. i’m booking that. it’s probably a scam, but also, why not? local boards on facebook say it’s happening next month. if you’re here now, ask around. people will either tell you to leave or give you a schedule. i asked a bartender and he gave me a receipt for a drink i didn’t order. i kept it. it’s proof.

tripadvisor says cebu is underrated. i’d say that’s true. yelp is trash. local boards? they’re a mystery. one warned me about a ‘shark attack at 3 am.’ i confronted the source and he said, ‘i’m joking, but also, don’t go to that beach at 3 am.’ i took his advice. mostly.

here’s a thing to think about: if you leave your socks in cebu, they’re probably in a puddle by now. i did. still haven’t found them. maybe they’re in that seaweed place.

tips? wear sandals. take napkins. trust no one with a flashlight. links: tripadvisor cebu | yelp cebu | local forums

it’s 3 am now. my socks are still missing. return to sender? maybe. or maybe not. this was my long day. maybe forever.

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