melbourne: where the coffee is cold and the vibes are hotter

so i’m in melbourne for the first time since i last crested a wave in 2017 and honestly i don’t even know where to begin. it’s like someone took a photo of a places and then accidentally smudged it with a pencil. i stayed in the city center because the address looked random and the map app said it was ‘central’ which i assume means it’s a bunch of broken promises. i just checked and it's 13.84 right now, hope you like that kind of thing. not too hot not too cold. just enough to make you want to layer up but not enough to make you want to crawl under a blanket.


if you get bored, the coast is a 45-minute detour. i heard that some people drive there on a whim and come back with stories about wild things. i haven’t done that yet but i’m tempted. also, someone told me that the trams are 70% bums and 30% people pretending to be tourists. don’t believe it but maybe try it. i heard that too. or maybe it’s just the kind of thing you believe when you’re half-asleep and the coffee is lukewarm.


so here’s what i did. i wandered into this place called *melbourne central and forced myself to order a flat white. it was the first time i’d ever done that and it tasted like regret. i also tried to find a photo of a white cherry blossom tree near a building during daytime but the unsplash search keep giving me random stuff. i took a picture of a brown rock formation on beach during sunset instead. it looked like a giant pile of tired biscuits. maybe that’s what melbourne is. a giant pile of tired biscuits.


the neighbors are weird. not in a bad way. like, one of them has a dog that howls at 3am because it thinks someone is trying to rob a fridge. another one plays jazz on a recorded track 24/7. i’m not sure if they’re trying to be ambient or if they’re just really committed to a vibe. either way, it’s part of the melbourne chaos*. i also heard that the local market is run by a guy who sells beans and claims they’re the best in the world. i bought one and now i have a bag of beans that might be amazing or might be a trap. fingers crossed.


someone told me that the coffee shops are all run by ex-hipsters who can’t afford to pay rent. i don’t know if that’s true but i bought a bagel from one that was shaped like a question mark. it was either genius or incredibly desperate. i leaned in. it was genius. i also saw a sign that said ‘no tourists please’ but there were like 10 of us there. maybe they meant ‘no tourists with large cameras’? who knows.


there’s a map here if you want to get lost.

i used to think maps were for people who didn’t trust their instincts. now i think they’re for people who want to prove they didn’t just wander into a hole in the ground.

this was the first image i found. i thought it looked like a tree that had given up on being pretty. maybe that’s what melbourne is. trees that gave up.

this one looked like a sculpture made by a person who was really drunk and trying to say something profound. i asked a local if it was an actual formation or just someone’s mess. they said it’s both. that’s melbourne for you.

these flowers are tiny. like, ‘i exist but not enough to matter’ tiny. i picked one and put it in my bag. now i have a flower that’s probably going to die in 24 hours. that’s how i roll.


i linked to some stuff. like, this is not a official list but here goes nothing. tripadvisor because i need to tell you that someone reviewed a hostel as ‘a place where you’ll forget your name’ but then again, maybe they just forgot their name. yelp because i heard that they have a review about a coffee shop that serves espresso in a glass jar. that sounds like a trap but i’m going to take the risk. also, this local blog mentioned that there’s a secret beach 30 minutes outside the city. i haven’t found it yet but i’m convinced it’s there. maybe it’s a conspiracy.


reviews are weird. i heard that the tram conductors are paid in pies. i don’t know if that’s true but i took a risk and bought a pie from a vendor. it was the best pie i’ve ever had. maybe that’s why they’re paid in pies. or maybe they’re just hungry. either way, it’s a good story. i also overheard a drunk guy saying that the city is ‘a vibe killer’ but he was wearing sunglasses at 8pm. that’s not a reliable source.


so yeah, melbourne is messy. it’s loud. it’s hot in some parts and cold in others. it’s like a human version of a fire extinguisher. you don’t know what you’ll get. but maybe that’s the point. i’m still here. i bought a bean. i have a flower. i saw a rock that looked like a person. that’s enough. probably.

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