bruges isn’t what it used to be, and here’s why

B-roll of this place feels more stagnant than the canals. I parked the car, squinted at the hotel sign, and muttered the temp-7.73, feels like a sauna with a wet towel. Humidity’s basically a humidity. You’ll thank me later if you wear something breathable. The sous-chef at the bar shrugged when I asked about the restaurant scene and said, ‘Hmm, the health inspector closed down the most famous one last week. Now everyone’s just shooting heroin stars outside.’ Drunk advice from last night’s Uber driver: ‘Avoid the Yelp reviews. Trust the guy in sunglasses selling pretzels with a knife.’

They say history is a lie written by the victors. If that’s true, Bruges is a curated lie with optional haunted tours. If you’re into that. The square outside the Basilica is overpriced compared to whatever squat they rent pole-dancers to stare at the tourists. Someone told me the ‘secret speakeasy’ is just a basement with a WiFi dongle masquerading as ambiance. Bold move, but it’s a 10-minute walk to Ghent, which has better puddles and fewer fences.

P.S. if you’re brave enough to splurge on a four-star place, read the TripAdvisor 2-star review from someone allergic to pigeon feathers and existential dread. Click here to see what I mean. Here’s a map so you don’t end up in the alley with the world’s tiniest Starbucks.

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