bikini bottoms and bad wifi in bali: a summer chaos report

i landed early that morning, the airport still buzzing with the kind of energy that doesn’t sleep. the sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and i was already sweating through my shirt. the weather here is...there right now, hope you like that kind of thing. it’s like the humidity is holding a grudge, but maybe that’s just how it is here. i checked the maps google thing and yeah, it’s basically a giant postcard with palm trees and bad decisions.

so i wandered around bali like a confused tourist with a hat that doesn’t fit. first stop was this little café called cafè lola. i ordered a coffee and a bagel, but the bagel was like a shrunken head. the barista said something about it being ‘fresh from the oven’ but it tasted like it had sat there since the 90s. i heard that from a guy at the counter who was probably high on kratom or just really bored.

someone told me that the best way to get around is by scooter, but don’t trust anyone who offers to lend you one. they’ll probably try to sell you a ‘discount’ on a suitcase you didn’t ask for

now i’m sitting on a bench near a street artist who’s painting a goat with a phone. it’s absurd. the goat has a beard and a hat. i asked him what that meant and he just muttered something about ‘the spirit of the island.’ i think he was trying to sell me a poster. i bought it. it’s probably fake.

the neighbors here are weird. one family over there is playing bam-boo every hour on loop. it’s like a musical clock. another guy was making a fire in his backyard at 3 am. i heard that from a kid who was probably too young to know better. if you get bored, the nearby islands are just a short drive away. but don’t ask me how to get there. i tried to ask a local and they just pointed at the map and said ‘take the curved one’ like it was a riddle.

i checked out yelp for the beach here and it’s a mess. one review said the waves are ‘too calm for a real adventure.’ another said the sand is ‘a trap for your sandals.’ i laughed because i’m 90% sure both of those things are true.

i also heard that the local market here is a place where you can find the best tamarind paste, but don’t trust anyone who says it’s ‘fresh’-they’re probably lying. i bought a bottle and it tasted like regret. the vendor said something about it being ‘imported from somewhere far away’ but i don’t know if that’s a compliment or a warning. i also saw a sign with 1684902 and 1608588871 on the wall. i think it’s a code for a hidden temple. or a bad number. who knows?

i tried to take a photo of the sunset but the light was so bad it looked like a screensaver. i asked a guy for tips and he just said ‘just walk and pray.’ i did. i prayed for good wifi. i got none. i gave up and started talking to a monkey. it didn’t help.

the thing is, bali is so overrated. everyone talks about it like it’s magic, but it’s just a place with good food and bad internet. i heard that from a drunk guy at a bar who was probably lying. but also, maybe he wasn’t. who knows? i also heard that the street food here is only okay unless you know the right spots. which is true. i tried a place called warung nasi and it was okay. i tried another place called warung nasi and it was worse. i think i’m getting a pattern here.

i’m not sure if i’ll come back. maybe. if the wifi improves. or if someone invents a coffee that tastes like hope. i heard that from a yoga instructor who was probably trying to sell me a retreat. i told her i’m more into chaos. she didn’t understand. i think she thought i was a robot.

so yeah. bali. it’s messy. it’s loud. it’s 27 degrees and a little bit disappointing. but also, maybe that’s the point. i uploaded some photos to unsplash and i hope they get noticed. probably not. but who cares? i’m here. i’m messy. and the humidity is still here. and it’s not going away.

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