Bangkok's Heat and Hidden Corners: A Photo Tourist's Rant
i checked the weather app-it's 25.5 degrees now, feels like 25.8. humidity's clinging to my camera strap like a bad date. anyway, i'm here chasing the gold hour that supposedly exists at Chatuchak Market, but so far it's just me, a pair of rickety flip-flops, and a deluge of sweat that's slowly turning my passport into a biohazard. someone told me once this place feels like a fever dream where everyone's trying to sell you extinction. i'm not entirely sure if that's the vibe or if they just thought they were being profound after three scoops of that mango sticky rice from Nong Nood.
the locals here don't do quotes. they do vibes. if you're lucky enough to overhear their gossip mid-monsoon, it's usually along the lines of, 'did you hear about the guy who tried to haggle the tuk-tuk driver to death? his tablet is in a cast now.' speaks to me. i once saw a vendor at a floating market sell a mango for ten baht-ten baht!-and the customer actually yelled 'ya sucker!' at him. the vendor just nodded, handed back the mango, and shouted 'hello?' so loud the whole street spun around like a confused monkey. chaos with a side of class.
for food, nobody actually eats the street carts at night in Bangkok. well, unless you're chasing a coma or a death wish. just kidding. it's verde lettuce wraps at midnight, and they know it. if you get bored, Ayutthaya's just a hopkins drive away, but if you're weird like me, you'll get lost in a temple compound until dawn and accidentally photograph a squirrel in a speedo. it's a miracle they don't fine you for public indecency. the squirrel wasn't wearing one. definitely not allowed.
pro-tip: if you're using a drone above the Grand Palace, don't. just don't. last i heard, you can get fined 10,000 baht for flying a phantom within 50 meters of a spire that's taller than your will to live. but hey, if you do slip up, post the footage on your instagram. hashtag #BangkokRules. don't. you'll get banned from the international airport. you don't want to meet the face of Thai law at 3am.
i'm planning to stop at a coffee shop next. the one with the sign that says '8' because they lost the 'DE' in the storm drains. probably a lie. anyway, iced latte, maybe. but if i need to sweat like a sinner in church, i'll stick to the coconut water. the neighbors here are a hoot: old man Mr. Sarun who yells at stray dogs in his undershorts, and the lady who sells flower crowns at the train station and blames the rains for her late arrivals. she'll tell you the same story three times. every.single.time. you start believing it's true. probably isn't.
i'm about ready to leave this heat and chase some cold. but till then, remember this: if you hear something drop behind you at Wat Pho, don't turn around. it's probably your dignity fleeing the scene. and for god's sake, flip that bird if someone tries to upsell you a stone tofu nugget. they're not made of bone. you know what they say-ditch anything that lacks a soul.
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