Once Again, I Found Nowhere: A Story About Following GPS Glitches in The Lost Slope

woke up with a bag of stale croissants and a map that looked like it was drawn by someone tripping over a keyboard. google said -16.8496,38.26 was my new address, which, okay, sure. told my dog she was our gps, but she just sat there eating my sandwich. yeah, she’s reliable.

it’s 24.04 there now, which means everything is sticky and sweaty and smells like old pizza. i rolled down my window to get some air and the kind of heat that clings to your skin like a wet blanket. i checked the weather app and it’s… there right now, honestly. hope you like that kind of thing. don’t worry, i’m not giving you fashion advice.

walked into a square where a group of locals were arguing over a deflated balloon. one guy kept saying it was ‘an art Installation,’ another insisted it was ‘a safety hazard.’ i pretended i didn’t see any of this and ordered a coffee from a stand that looked like it hadn’t been washed in a decade. the barista yelled something i couldn’t understand, but the price was 2 euros on a torn-up receipt. authentic.

if you get bored, [whateversecondcity is a short drive away, where the taco trucks are.] don’t let anyone tell you that ‘cozy’ is a real thing here. some of the apartment buildings have vines growing through the cracks, but also a neighbor who plays accordion at 3am and claims it’s ‘meditation music.’ i heard that one a lot from something a barista warned me about.

someone told me that the street lights are haunted because they flicker when no one’s around. i don’t know if that’s true or if my flashlight just hates me. also heard that the public bathrooms are consistently out of paper towels. always. like someone’s planning a prank. i saw a sign that said ‘use your hands)’ but didn’t even try. fear of germs is stronger.

evertheless, i found a little bookshop that had a sale on burned copies of tales from the lost slope. asked the owner if they knew anything about the coordinates. she looked at me like i’d asked about unicorns and slotted me $5 for a map showing a park that’s probably just overgrown weeds. classic.

embedded a map here because why not.

it shows a bunch of stuff, i guess. probably the nearest bakery that sells things that taste like regret.

so here’s what i’m leaving you: take it slow, don’t trust the tap water (or at least, drink it like a soda), and if you spot a floating balloon, give it to a local. they’ll either laugh or try to use it. either outcome is fine. i’ve got three random photos from today in here somewhere. first one’s of a vendor selling ice cream that looks like melted concrete. second, a wall with graffiti that changes depending on the light. third, my dog staring at the map like it was sacred. low effort, high drama.

links? maybe not. but tripadvisor says this place is a ‘must-see if you hate order,’ yelp has a review about a ‘ghost cat that haunts the train tracks,’ and a local forum mentioned that the coffee here is so good it’ll make you forget your own name. take it with a grain of salt-literally.

ps: if you need sunscreen, ask the beach. they’ll sell you a bottle with a wink.

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