Tehran through a lens smudged with instant coffee and bad decisions

just landed here at 2 a.m. after a 14-hour flight that made the window condensation look like abstract graffiti. the so-called "eternal city" is already testing my patience. checked the weather again-says it’s 28.49c and feels like a soggy handshake. perfect. i’m wearing a scarf indoors like some conservative grandma, but the humidity here makes it feel like wrestling a sausage casing.

walked to the hostel where the AC sounds like a dying washing machine. the lobby TV keeps playing ads for wedding planners and illegal cryptocurrency schemes. someone told me not to trust the tap water, which is smart because i’ve already drunk it three times and my stomach’s staging a mutiny. the guy at the front desk said something about snakes in the bathrooms but didn’t show me the meme. he just nodded like we�re old friends.

turned on my camera gear and realized i’d forgotten to buy a memory card. the nearest shop’s shutter screen looked like a disco ball drowned in motor oil. tried bribing a street vendor with a euro note for USB sticks. he spat and said something about ‘‘these aren’t 2010 anymore‘’ in Farsi. total flex.

stumbled upon this ridiculous alley where a cat was riding a skateboard down a slope. it was filming itself, probably for a dolphin meme. saw a sign for a kebab place that claimed to use "donkey meat" but the sign was in all caps and chained to a traffic cone. later overheard two guys arguing about whether the metro was haunted. one guy yelled, ‘‘there’s a figure near the 22nd station-looks like Uncle Sam’s cousin’’. the other said, ‘‘dude, that’s a mannequin’’. classic.

the weather’s a joke here. 28c and feels like a dry sauna with feedback. my skin’s cracking like old phone screens. saw a guy trying to bribe a seagull with a falafel slice earlier. didn’t work. the bird mocked him with a dirty look and flew off to find a yuppie tourist.

tried to open-air’drink’ in a park across from the Azadi Tower. the vendor kept shouting ‘‘you’re paying double if you’re white’’. charged me 15 tomans instead.

someone on TripAdvisor said this city is ‘‘the most oppressive place on earth’’ but i’m here to film a music video for a stoner band. not complaining. the locals keep sneaking glances at my camera. maybe they’re waiting for me to apologize for their past. not sure.

neighbors are 45 minutes away if you’re not stuck in traffic. tried Uber once. the driver played Persian rap so loud it woke up my teeth. booked a hostel room with a bunk bed. woke up to find my face stuck to the ceiling because the humidity. security guard was chill. gave me a packet of black tea and a grin. said it’s ‘‘the only escape.’’

found a rooftop bar that’s basically a hole in the wall. the bartender’s son came by and asked for help filming himself DJing on his laptop. used my phone as a webcam. feel like an accomplice in sin.

map inset here

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=13.4428,16.0508&z=12&output=embed

uploaded a few photos from Unsplash:

the city’s messy in a way that makes sense. everything’s half-built, everything’s half-done. love it. hate it. gonna keep filming until my SD card dies. let’s see if the police come through as a plot twist.

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