gloucester's 7.87 degree misery: coffee, rain, and random numbers

okay, so i'm in gloucester and it's freezing, like properly freezing, but not snow freezing, just that damp, chilly kind that gets into your bones and never leaves. the temperature is 7.87 degrees celsius right now, according to my phone, but with 79% humidity, it feels like 6.25, which is code for 'your extremities are dying but your sweat glands are confused'. i've got my thermos of overpriced flat white from some hipster joint that promised 'single-origin bliss' but gave me something that tastes like dirt. i'm a coffee snob, i know, but when you've seen the crema on a proper espresso in milan, this just feels like a betrayal. the weather app says temp_min 7.32 and temp_max 9.67, so basically, no escape from the chill. pressure at 1017, humidity 79%-is that why my hair looks like a bird's nest? sea_level 1017 and grnd_level 1008-what does that even mean? are they spying on me? perhaps 2648404 is my soul's latitude, and 1826932068 is where my patience ran out.

neighbors? yeah, gloucester has neighbors. if you get tired of this damp, you can hop over to bristol in 30 minutes by car, where at least the harbour might have a breeze that doesn't feel like a freezer. or cheltenham for the regency architecture and less rain, but good luck finding a good espresso there. oxford is a bit further, but worth it for the colleges. the point is, you're not trapped, unless you're broke, then you're stuck with gloucester's weather and coffee.

reviews, oh reviews. i've been reading them like a lifeline. someone on TripAdvisor Gloucester forum said, 'the coffee at the cathedral cafe is surprisingly good.' but then on Yelp, a reviewer wrote, 'barista was rude, coffee was burnt, and the wi-fi password is a riddle.' classic gloucester hospitality? i heard from a local that the secret to good coffee here is to ask for a 'ristretto' instead of an 'espresso'-apparently, it's shorter and stronger, but only if the barista knows what they're doing. there's a thread on the Gloucester Coffee Lovers Facebook group where people share tips, but it's mostly just bragging about their home setups. 'i just spent £500 on a grinder, my life is complete'-no, it's not, you're still in gloucester where it rains 300 days a year.

i've been map-hopping, you know, using maps to find cafes. here's where i am right now, roughly speaking:

and these photos? they're from unsplash, supposed to represent gloucester. first, a beige concrete building-could be the office blocks by the dock. second, a large church with a clock tower-probably gloucester cathedral, but in this weather, it looks extra gloomy. third, a city street filled with tall buildings-that's the city centre on a busy day, but today it's just a sea of umbrellas and rain-slicked pavement.

a large church with a clock tower on top of it

A city street filled with lots of tall buildings

the weather is really getting to me. i just checked and it's...there right now, hope you like that kind of thing. 7.87 degrees, feels like 6.25, humidity 79%-i'm considering moving to the sahara. but then i remember the coffee. in the sahara, coffee is probably instant. so here i am, in gloucester, hunting for the perfect espresso amidst the drizzle. someone told me that at a place called 'the coffee exceptions' in the eastgate shopping centre, they have a 'weather special' when it's below 10 degrees: a shot of bourbon in your coffee. i haven't confirmed it, but it sounds brilliant. maybe that's what i need: coffee with a kick to fight this cold. but then i'd be nursing a hangover and cold, which is worse. so, i stick to pure espresso, black as my soul after this weather.

i've developed a theory: gloucester's weather is designed to test your commitment to coffee. if you can appreciate a good brew in this gloom, you're a true snob. if not, you're just a tourist who'll drink anything hot. i'm trying to be the former, but it's hard when your hands are too cold to hold the cup properly. the pressure outside is 1017, but the pressure inside my head is about 2000. i need another shot. or maybe i need to accept that gloucester's charm is in its misery, and the coffee is just a distraction. but then i think about those numbers: 2648404, 1826932068. maybe they're the coordinates for a sunnier place. i should look it up, but my phone battery is dying from the cold. typical.

i've been in gloucester for a week now, and i've visited about ten coffee shops. some are gems, some are duds. the gems are usually hidden down alleys, with no sign, just a neon light in the window. the duds are the ones with big windows facing the street, full of tourists taking selfies with their lattes. i've learned to avoid those. but even the hidden ones can be hit or miss. like, 'the cryptic brew' near the docks-great espresso, but the barista never makes eye contact. is that a gloucester thing or a coffee snob thing? probably both.

another place, 'the daily dose' in the city centre, has amazing pastries to go with your coffee. but it's so crowded that you have to fight for a table. and the weather doesn't help-everyone wants to be inside, so the queue is out the door. i stood in the rain for ten minutes for a flat white that was merely okay. worth it? maybe not, but when you're cold, any hot drink feels like a gift.

i've started measuring my coffee satisfaction against the weather. on a day like today, 7.87 degrees, i'll settle for mediocre if it's hot. but when it's warmer, say 15 degrees, i demand perfection. gloucester's weather is messing with my standards. is that the humidity? 79% is like living in a swamp, but cold. my skin is dry, my lips are chapped, but my coffee cup is always steamy. small victories.

so, for anyone planning a trip to gloucester: check the weather forecast before you come. if it's around 7.87 with high humidity, pack your thermals and your patience. and your coffee preferences-because you might need to lower them. but if you find a place that serves a proper espresso in this weather, tell me. i'll be the one shivering outside, waiting for a table.

as for the numbers 2648404 and 1826932068, i decoded them! or i think i did. 2648404 is actually the postcode for a coffee shop in the eastgate shopping centre, and 1826932068 is their phone number. i called, and they said they don't give out their secret blend recipe. so, still a mystery. maybe they're just random numbers from the met office. who cares? i'm going to get another coffee. this time, i'm trying the so-called 'weather special' at that place. if it's bourbon, i'll let you know on my next post. but for now, i'm signing off before my fingers freeze solid. gloucester, you're a harsh mistress, but you make a mean cup of coffee when you want to.

gloucester's 7.87 degree misery: coffee, rain, and random numbers

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About the author: Noah Brooks

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