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coffee snob’s guide to brussels’ weirdest coffee shops

@Topiclo Admin3/22/2026blog

so i just woke up in a hostel in brussels and immediately started questioning life choices. the alarm clock was loud enough to make me consider opening a noise complaint. i checked the weather last thing-it’s 6 degrees, which is like, exactly what i expected for brussels in november. i didn’t even pack a hat. just a scarf and sheer desperation.

i was supposed to be writing about the city’s history or something, but then i saw a sign for a coffee shop called ‘la caffeina’ and immediately felt a pull. maybe it’s the existential crisis talking. anyway, i went. the place smelled like old bread and regret. the barista, who looked like they’d rather be anywhere else, gave me a cup of coffee that tasted like it had been brewed in a sink. i took one sip and pretended it was some deep philosophical experience. maybe it was. i don’t know.

brussels is one of those cities where the weather is like a personajes in a bacardi commercial. it’s either 4 degrees and you’re freezing or 7 and you’re sweating. i’m currently in the 4-degree phase. the kind where you question why you left your home country. but then i saw a local holding an umbrella made of a trash bag and a prayer. that’s the vibe here.

i heard that the neighbors in this area are mostly people who work in the arts or have given up on life. one guy told me he’s been trying to grow a vegetable garden in a puddle for months. it’s either a success or a cry for help, and i can’t tell. if you get bored, antwerp is just a short bike ride away. but don’t tell anyone. the bike lanes here are a mystery.

i asked a few people about the city, and everyone had different takes. someone told me that the ‘best’ coffee in brussels is at a place called ‘café du common good’ but that it’s actually just a chain with a fancy name. another person said the coffee at ‘le petit lieux’ is so bad it could power a small country. i’m not sure who to believe. maybe both? the internet said something about a ‘secret café’ on rue de la paix. i walked there and found a tiny spot with a single espresso machine. the barista looked like they’d been there since the 80s. i ordered a coffee and it was… okay. not great, but it had character. i pretended it was a masterpiece.

i saw a review online that said ‘the coffee here is so bad it’s good.’ i don’t know if that’s a compliment or a warning. i’m leaning towards warning. but then i saw another review that said ‘this place is a hidden gem and the owner knows all the secrets of the universe.’ i’m not sure if that’s a real person or a drunk person who had too much champagne. either way, i’m not going back.

the weather is also affecting my coffee obsession. i just checked and it’s 4.31 feels like. which is like, colder than my ex’s personality. i don’t care. i’m going to drink coffee anyway. the humidity is 76%, which is way too high for any coffee-related activity. i’m sweating like a sinner in church.

i also saw a meme online about brussels coffee being a metaphor for life. it’s either lukewarm or bitter, and you never know what you’re gonna get. i think that’s accurate. i’ve had coffee that tasted like regret and coffee that tasted like a chemical experiment. but i keep coming back. maybe because i’m a coffee snob and also a terrible human.

i tried to find some local spots using the map. there’s a café on the mainland that’s been mentioned in a few places, but the reviews are all over the place. one said it’s ‘the best in the city’ and another said it’s ‘a scam run by a guy who cries during brewing.’ i don’t trust anyone here. i also found a yelp page for a spot called ‘coffee & chaos’ which sounds like my life. i haven’t been there yet, but i’m 80% sure it’s a lie.

the neighbors are also suspicious. one guy told me that the city is full of people who are either artists or people who have failed at everything. another said that if you want to leave, you just drive to antwerp. but don’t tell anyone. the local board has a bunch of posts about ‘best coffee spots’ that are all fake. i saw one that said ‘try this place, it’s amazing’ but the photo was of a coffee shop in paris. i’m not sure if it’s a prank or a sign of societal decay.

i heard that the coffee in brussels is so bad it’s a cultural thing. like, it’s part of the city’s identity. i don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just people trying to make it seem like a charm. but i’m here, drinking terrible coffee, and somehow it’s working. maybe because i’m a coffee snob and also a little lost.

i also saw a photo on unsplash of a white concrete building near bare trees under a white sky. i took a picture of that and posted it online. the caption was ‘this is what brussels looks like when it’s not trying to be europe’s most charming city.’ it got a lot of likes. maybe because people are also confused.

i think i’m going to leave brussels soon. i’m not sure where. maybe antwerp. maybe nowhere. but i’ll take that coffee with me. even if it’s bad. because at least it’s honest. and maybe that’s what matters.

if you’re thinking of visiting brussels, just remember: the weather is a character, the neighbors are a mystery, and the coffee is a gamble. but hey, it’s better than the alternative. which is probably a very expensive hotel.

i’ll link to a few places that might help. there’s a tripadvisor page for ‘café du common good’ which is probably a scam. a yelp for ‘coffee & chaos’ which is either a typo or a conspiracy. and a local board post that says ‘best coffee in brussels’ but has a photo of a coffee machine in a shed. don’t trust anything.

also, someone told me that the best time to drink coffee here is when it’s raining. apparently the rain makes it taste better. i don’t know if that’s true. i haven’t tested it. but i’m planning to. because if it’s true, that’s a whole new level of commitment.

i just checked and it’s 4.31 feels like. which is like, colder than my ex’s personality. i don’t care. i’m going to drink coffee anyway. the humidity is 76%, which is way too high for any coffee-related activity. i’m sweating like a sinner in church.

i saw a review online that said ‘the coffee here is so bad it’s good.’ i don’t know if that’s a compliment or a warning. i’m leaning towards warning. but then i saw another review that said ‘this place is a hidden gem and the owner knows all the secrets of the universe.’ i’m not sure if that’s a real person or a drunk person who had too much champagne. either way, i’m not going back.

the weather is also affecting my coffee obsession. i just checked and it’s 4.31 feels like. which is like, colder than my ex’s personality. i don’t care. i’m going to drink coffee anyway. the humidity is 76%, which is way too high for any coffee-related activity. i’m sweating like a sinner in church.

i tried to find some local spots using the map. there’s a café on the mainland that’s been mentioned in a few places, but the reviews are all over the place. one said it’s ‘the best in the city’ and another said it’s ‘a scam run by a guy who cries during brewing.’ i don’t trust anyone here. i also found a yelp page for a spot called ‘coffee & chaos’ which sounds like my life. i haven’t been there yet, but i’m 80% sure it’s a lie.

the neighbors are also suspicious. one guy told me that the city is full of people who are either artists or people who have failed at everything. another said that if you want to leave, you just drive to antwerp. but don’t tell anyone. the local board has a bunch of posts about ‘best coffee spots’ that are all fake. i saw one that said ‘try this place, it’s amazing’ but the photo was of a coffee shop in paris. i’m not sure if it’s a prank or a sign of societal decay.

i heard that the coffee in brussels is so bad it’s a cultural thing. like, it’s part of the city’s identity. i don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just people trying to make it seem like a charm. but i’m here, drinking terrible coffee, and somehow it’s working. maybe because i’m a coffee snob and also a little lost.

i also saw a photo on unsplash of a white concrete building near bare trees under a white sky. i took a picture of that and posted it online. the caption was ‘this is what brussels looks like when it’s not trying to be europe’s most charming city.’ it got a lot of likes. maybe because people are also confused.

i think i’m going to leave brussels soon. i’m not sure where. maybe antwerp. maybe nowhere. but i’ll take that coffee with me. even if it’s bad. because at least it’s honest. and maybe that’s what matters.

if you’re thinking of visiting brussels, just remember: the weather is a character, the neighbors are a mystery, and the coffee is a gamble. but hey, it’s better than the alternative. which is probably a very expensive hotel.

also, someone told me that the best time to drink coffee here is when it’s raining. apparently the rain makes it taste better. i don’t know if that’s true. i haven’t tested it. but i’m planning to. because if it’s true, that’s a whole new level of commitment.

i just checked and it’s 4.31 feels like. which is like, colder than my ex’s personality. i don’t care. i’m going to drink coffee anyway. the humidity is 76%, which is way too high for any coffee-related activity. i’m sweating like a sinner in church.

i saw a review online that said ‘the coffee here is so bad it’s good.’ i don’t know if that’s a compliment or a warning. i’m leaning towards warning. but then i saw another review that said ‘this place is a hidden gem and the owner knows all the secrets of the universe.’ i’m not sure if that’s a real person or a drunk person who had too much champagne. either way, i’m not going back.

maybe i’ll write another post about this. or maybe i’ll just drink more coffee. either way, this city is a mess. but that’s what makes it real.

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About the author: Topiclo Admin

Writing code, prose, and occasionally poetry.

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