Bristlemire: Where the Pavement is My Marathon Track (and Also a Mess)
ok so here’s the thing i’ve been meaning to write about for weeks but kept getting distracted by... um... a squirrel on a skateboard? it was doing backflips over a dumpster and i swear it was yelling at me in morse code. anyway. bristlemire. right. let’s talk about it. or maybe not. who knows.
i just checked and it’s...21.05. there right now. no exaggeration. sun is out, clouds are pretending to be lazy, and the air smells like someone left a public sauna outside. if you’re like me and you blend into humid air as easily as a moldy sock, this might not be your vibe. but if you’re a fan of sticky skin and sudden rain showers that just show up out of nowhere (i’m looking at you, 3pm flash flood), then welcome. i’m bristlemire’s official rain boot ambassador.
the neighborhood is a visual riot. like if a toddler painted the streets with crayons and then set them on fire. one house has a garden gnome waving a tiny flag, another has a neon ‘ world’s best grandpa’ sign that’s probably haunted. you’d think the neighbors would get along, but rumor has it they’ve been feuding over the exact placement of the communal trash can for months. i heard someone named jeff once tried to put flamingos in it. did not end well.
now, the reviews. or should i say, the overheard rumors? i heard that the local diner’s pie is so good it’ll make you question all life choices. i also heard it’s cursed. someone told me if you eat the last slice, the diner owner appears in your dreams and demands you repay them with a live chicken. i’m 80% sure this is false but 20% too scared to test it. another local warned me about the tap water. ‘don’t drink it,’ they said. ‘unless you like floating like a ghost in a bottle.’ i took that as a compliment.
but hey, it’s not all chaos. the streets? they’re alive. last week i saw a guy in a business suit doing moonwalks by a bodega. no explanation. just moonwalking. i tried to ask but he just started reciting pi. 3.14159... and then vanished. strange. but that’s bristlemire. always has been, always will be.
practical tips? or lack thereof. if you want to see the ‘most haunted street,’ google it. locals swear it’s haunted by a guy in a top hat who steals umbrellas. i tried it. i came back with a hat. and a really bad feeling.
here’s the map if you wanna get lost. which you probably will.
honestly? if you’re into randomness, bristlemire’s your girl. i saw a street artist spray-painting a mural of a dancing toaster. no, seriously. it was there. i took a picture. here it is.
also, the weather app is a liar. it said 21.05, but when i touched my face it felt like 21.48. which is either a scientific anomaly or i finally lost my grip on reality. take your pick.
want to join me? there’s a marathon happening in two weeks. they call it the ‘Bristlemire Bizarreness Relay.’ it’s a 5k through a field of sentient tulips. sounds terrifying. but also amazing. tickets are on tripadvisor.
yeah, i’m probably disappearing now. SQRL SK8BRD? STILL HERE. LEAVE A COMMENT. OR DON’T. I DON’T CARE.
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